I’ve been surrounded by red and pink, chocolate and flowers all week. If you are not acutely aware that Valentine’s Day is this weekend, then you are truly #blessed.

So how do we feel about this holiday? Left Mary Lane or Right Mary Lane?

Oh Valentine’s Day. I’ve written too many blogs about you from a single perspective. What more is there to say? I’d love to mix it up with a OMG I HAVE A VALENTINE post. That’s just the sort of plot twist this blog needs. But nope, I won’t be wearing crazy balloon hats with anyone this Sunday. I’ll wear red and pretend it’s festive rather than what I’d normally wear anyway. I’ll write love poems to my friends that are so stupid (hopefully) you can’t help but laugh.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
They both smell like flowers,
And so does your poo! 

Even your bowels are perfect! Happy Valentine’s Day!

That’s my kind of love poem. If you don’t smile at that kind of shit (pun intended), we probably won’t get along. That was the main thing I learned at a Love Poem Workshop I attended this past week. Yep, seriously attended a Love Poem Workshop (but hell no I didn’t pay for it)! I was invited by Adam & Eve, a website which sells much more sexy gifts than chocolates. My personal thought is if you sell dildos and butt plugs you should have a sense of humor about it. But hey, maybe that’s why I’m single this V-Day. Maybe I need to take sex and love more seriously.

The woman leading the Love Poem Workshop took the whole thing very seriously. She ripped apart a Hallmark card poem and encouraged us all to attempt flowery language inspired by Lord Byron. At the beginning of the workshop she asked who was working on a poem for a sweetheart or lover. 3 people raised their hands, 3 people in a room full of women. It was heartbreaking, hilarious, and the ultimate New York cliché. It got even better when the women next to me pulled out their phones to show off pictures of their cats. I’m not kidding! I know it sounds like sketch comedy but it actually happened!

I think I’d like to write a real love poem, someday. It’s a wonderful and brave thing to do, expressing yourself and the vulnerability of your feelings. Is it impossible to practice writing love poems if you’re not in love? I try to write odes to handsome strangers on the subway.

The color of your eyes eludes me in the harsh light of the A Train
I imagine them a deep blue-green, the color of the Hudson
A perfect complement to the plaid of your worn flannel shirt 
I could bury my face in that flannel and snuggle forever

Forever- until you ghost me, a phantom for unfathomable reason

Aw man, that was more Bitter Poem than Love Poem. Shit. If you are feeling more loving than I am this Valentine’s Day, Adam & Eve has a pretty awesome guide to writing a love poem on their site. No one will ask you to share aloud what you’re written so far

Hey, how about this one:

To my darling readers of New York Cliché
This poem is for you on Valentine’s Day
You share in my laughter, my epic mistakes
My occasional triumphs but mostly shitty dates
That there’s somebody out there who reads what I write
As the cliché goes- you light up my life!

Seriously. Thank you for reading. And…um…not to make this awkward but….I’ve always wanted a Valentine’s Day secret admirer… So if you’ve been reading this blog secretly for one day or one year…maybe drop me a note for Valentine’s Day? It doesn’t have to be a poem! Just maybe say hey? Tweet  Hey @NewYorkCliche!, gram Hola @newyork.cliche ♥, FB What’s up New York Cliché, or if you’re feeling super formal 😉 newyorkcliche@yahoo.com.

Happy Valentine’s Day!