14 Very Serious Reasons Why I’m Single

I couldn’t help but wonder, why don’t I have a Valentine this year? I resisted the urge to ask my exes (oh I did do that once, they were entirely unhelpful “Trust me, it’s not you.”). Instead I scoured the internet and several women’s magazines. My research produced a myriad of hypotheses:

14 Super Hypotheses as to Why I’m Still Super Single

  1. Bikini Body” is never high on my list of goals.
  2. I yell at men who don’t recycle.
  3. It takes someone really, really special for me to consider compromising the comfort of granny panties.
  4. I have weirdly sweaty hands. I cannot tell you how awkward it is to have a guy drop your hand because he needs to wipe it off. I also can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me.
  5. It is not uncommon that I’m the loudest person at a bar/restaurant/heavy metal concert.
  6. Lightweight and proud: 2 beers and I’m drunk.
  7. A-cup and proud: 2 small breasts and I’m perky.
  8. A Valentine might be threatened by my bro-bestie. Walter and I pretended to be in a relationship once. It’s already decided I will be the “best man” at his wedding.
  9. The average potential Valentine has a big spot in his heart for big slobbery dogs. Try as I might, I’m just not that into big, manly dogs!
  10. Perfectly ripe avocados are way more exciting then any steak I’ve ever consumed. That includes the porterhouse at one of NYC’s best known steakhouses.
  11. Whenever I watch it, I can’t help but mercilessly mock football. Sorry Valentine, it’s just a reflex! I can’t control it! It’s too hard! I’m not strong enough!
  12.  If I’m over at a man’s house, Valentine or no, and I need to poop, I’m gonna do my business. I understand this is blaspheme to Carrie Bradshaw and makes me a freak in the eyes of Cosmopolitan. Too bad, I’m not bending over butt-wards, even for a Valentine.
  13. If I had a Valentine, I’d blog the shit out of February 14th. Unless I was asked not to.  Then I respect that. But it would be more disappointing than bakeries running out of cookies on Macaron Day.
  14. Potential Valentines are likely intimidated, dumbfounded, paralyzed, awestruck, by my level of awesome. Aw, I can’t fault them for that!

 

That pretty much covers my research. What do you think? Which hypotheses should I explore further?

About New York Cliche

NYC lifestyle blog by Mary Lane. Events, adventures, epic mistakes, dating, life, humor. A 20-something trying to make it (and make out) in the city of dreams.

5 thoughts on “14 Very Serious Reasons Why I’m Single

    1. Yeah! That’s my favorite answer!
      It’s crazy how media hypes up the holiday- I felt like I had to write something about it!

  1. Hey! I take issue with #7: I’m a DD (F/G, depending on cut of bra) and men still ignore me, LOL. Obviously, men don’t care about boob size, that’s why so many flat-chested women are getting men falling hard in love with them, hand over fist (well, normal-sized and big-breasted, too).

    [By the way, I get the humor in your post]

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