I couldn’t help but wonder, why don’t I have a Valentine this year? I resisted the urge to ask my exes (oh I did do that once, they were entirely unhelpful “Trust me, it’s not you.”). Instead I scoured the internet and several women’s magazines. My research produced a myriad of hypotheses:
14 Super Hypotheses as to Why I’m Still Super Single
- “Bikini Body” is never high on my list of goals.
- I yell at men who don’t recycle.
- It takes someone really, really special for me to consider compromising the comfort of granny panties.
- I have weirdly sweaty hands. I cannot tell you how awkward it is to have a guy drop your hand because he needs to wipe it off. I also can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me.
- It is not uncommon that I’m the loudest person at a bar/restaurant/heavy metal concert.
- Lightweight and proud: 2 beers and I’m drunk.
- A-cup and proud: 2 small breasts and I’m perky.
- A Valentine might be threatened by my bro-bestie. Walter and I pretended to be in a relationship once. It’s already decided I will be the “best man” at his wedding.
- The average potential Valentine has a big spot in his heart for big slobbery dogs. Try as I might, I’m just not that into big, manly dogs!
- Perfectly ripe avocados are way more exciting then any steak I’ve ever consumed. That includes the porterhouse at one of NYC’s best known steakhouses.
- Whenever I watch it, I can’t help but mercilessly mock football. Sorry Valentine, it’s just a reflex! I can’t control it! It’s too hard! I’m not strong enough!
- If I’m over at a man’s house, Valentine or no, and I need to poop, I’m gonna do my business. I understand this is blaspheme to Carrie Bradshaw and makes me a freak in the eyes of Cosmopolitan. Too bad, I’m not bending over butt-wards, even for a Valentine.
- If I had a Valentine, I’d blog the shit out of February 14th. Unless I was asked not to. Then I respect that. But it would be more disappointing than bakeries running out of cookies on Macaron Day.
- Potential Valentines are likely intimidated, dumbfounded, paralyzed, awestruck, by my level of awesome. Aw, I can’t fault them for that!
That pretty much covers my research. What do you think? Which hypotheses should I explore further?