19 Reasons I Didn’t Reply to Your Online Dating Message

If you’re single in 2016, you try online dating. If you try online dating, you likely have questions:

How do I write a successful message?
Why aren’t people replying to my messages?

Why is my inbox full of messages that have nothing to say?
How do I attract people I actually want to date?

The cliché is that women get a ton of messages. From my personal experience, that is true. I get a lot of messages, but I have no interest in 90% of them. The majority are boring, clearly copy/pasted, and do absolutely nothing to start a conversation. In the online world “You’re so beautiful” makes me roll my eyes and assume you type the same thing into every message box. Sad, isn’t it? I only respond to messages that show the person read my profile. It seems simple but so few people actually do it!

Want to know why I don’t reply to 90% of messages I receive? I won’t just tell you, I’ll show you, with examples from my very own inbox:

The following are all actual messages from my OKCupid inbox. User names and photos have been edited out to protect the innocent because I’m not a total bitch.

1. Your message is my first impression of you.

That impression is that you’re cripplingly boring and unimaginative.

2. The double whammy of boring AND partial to inappropriate pet names!


3. If you don’t have the time to type out 3-letter words, you certainly don’t have the time to date me.


4. Small Talk. I hate small talk but I understand it’s a necessity of modern interaction. Fine. Cliché small talk? I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m too bored.


The same cliché small talk once every four months? Instead of bored I’m laughing. At you.

5. You talk about the weather.


Not once. Not twice! BUT THRICE! Comedy rule of threes! Comedic gold! Copy/past EPIC FAIL!

6. Sense of humor is very important to me and OMFG I HATE yours.


Not only am I not laughing but you bum me out. Ugh.


7. You objectify the shit out of me.


Worse than the time I worked at a biker convention.
I want to reply to this message. “Fuck you. I hope you never get laid again.” I resist the urge.

8. You wear your male privilege on your sleeve.



Seriously, if you put anything sexual in an introductory message, I think you’re an assholE.


9. It sounds like you copy/pasted your message off a site, “Online Dating Messages That Really Get Results!


10. I’m never falling for a cheap trick again.


Me: Whoa! Really? Who’s your roommate?

Him: No I’m kidding.

Me: You lied to me.

Him: Hey, it got you to respond, right?

I never responded again but was thankful this dude revealed himself as a liar and manipulator so quickly!

11. You live in New Jersey.

It’s hard enough to date someone who lives in a different borough of NYC! Someone out-of-state? Maybe if you’re hilarious, gorgeous, AND bake macarons.

12. My CREEP METER is set off.

Creepily noticing what time I’m online and asking me about it…


If I don’t reply to your message once, it is possible it just got lost in the shuffle. So trying one more time won’t automatically get you a CREEP label. But trying THREE times with no response? And targeting me when I’m online? YUCK.

13. You’re obviously a devout hipster.

I rarely get along with people who take themselves too seriously.


Also, negative energy bums me out and I have no use for it in my love life, thanks.

14. If I can tell you only looked at my pictures.


But “hotspot” is my new favorite pet name, so thanks for that!

15. If you’re not smiling in any of your pictures I assume you take yourself too seriously.

And never have any fun. And probably have IBS (something I mention in my profile).


16. You’re a completely inappropriate age for me.


Now if you demonstrate a great sense of humor and that we have things in common, I might entertain the “age is only a number” cliché. Otherwise NEXT.

17. Also this cliché: I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.


18. As I read your message, Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much” grows louder and louder in my head.


19. I’m an only child. I’ll never be okay with a poem you copy and paste to me and hundreds of other girls because I’M SPECIAL, DAMN IT.


If you want responses to messages REFRAIN FROM ALL OF THE ABOVE. Should be easy! There’s also not so secret Reason #20: I’m just not attracted to you. Not much you can do about that. BUT a good message can make a person so much more attractive, I’m not kidding!

So what messages do I respond to?

Ones that have a personal touch. Ones that are too specific to be copy/pasted to the entirety of the online world. They mention something from the profile I took the time to create: a favorite movie (so easy!), or that I like making pizza from scratch, or that “I’m very expensive” (you gotta read the post all about that one). It’s also great to ask a question at the end of your message- this starts a conversation and gives something to respond to.

I dream of a world free of generic messages. This is me doing my part to make that world a reality.

You might think I’m too picky, that I put too much emphasis on a first message. Maybe you love Tinder and I hate it. I find generic, copy/pasted messages to be the epitome of DULL. To be dramatic: I would sooner die alone than be boring (#actress). While I’d like the person I date to perhaps be less dramatic than I, I think they need to be similarly minded on this.

Is that stupid? Is it too much to ask? Would you reply to any of the messages above? What do you think a first message should say? Why don’t YOU respond to online dating messages? I’d love to hear your thoughts!



About New York Cliche

NYC lifestyle blog by Mary Lane. Events, adventures, epic mistakes, dating, life, humor. A 20-something trying to make it (and make out) in the city of dreams.

18 thoughts on “19 Reasons I Didn’t Reply to Your Online Dating Message

  1. This post could not be more timely considering I may or may not have happened across a certain blogger’s Okcupid profile ????

    But also…really good advice. I cannot stress enough to dudes that if you’re generally not terrible, put in effort, and just try to be genuine how easy it is to date online.

  2. LOL this is so funny. I flagged this to read the other day and finally got around to it. The sad thing if I recognize a good portion of these messages from my own account on Match! I wrote about that recently (but after reading your take I guess I should take out the usernames, oops)! http://singlestrides.com/my-match-com-membership/ — also, really glad I read this because I haven’t seen #10 yet but would totally fall for it.

  3. I meant no offense by that comment. It’s just that you are extremely picky. I’ve never seen anyone that picky! At first I thought you were just trying to be funny. Finding out there is someone that picky makes one think. A few things come to mind: You are cute and all but men want more than a cute face. Being that pick may be considered a character flaw. No one is good for you? That is the first impression readers get. Plus you must look at your own flaws too. You are what? In your mid-30’s ? Late 30s? If by now you haven’t found someone what does that say about you? You can’t blame it on the men you date. As I write this I realize you’re not just picky ,you are an obnoxious little bitch. And I changed my mind: I do mean it all as an offense.

    1. Hey Marcelo

      I second to everything she said. She is NOT picky!! It’s someone you are going to spend your life with. Thru thick and thin. Yes we want interesting and genuine mate. If your message is rinky-dink, it means I am not worthy of ur time and I’m not “it”. I’m not the girl that stood out of all. I certainly will not waste my time on you. She is not bitch! Bravo to her she will not settle for less. Lifetime mate = invest time!! Mediocre messages = delete message bec I’m not worth ur time to invest your message to me, no passion, and I’m not it! Also it’s her decision to do this method. You entitle to yours. Date someone with mediocre message = boring relationship. A sure fire to failure. Leave this lady alone.

  4. Dude’s got no game. I know it’s not easy to approach anyone online, or in person, but some of those above are damn pathetic. The sad part is that “I’m in the medical field,” or “Nice place in Soho,” would probably impress some, and then promptly have them ending up in someone’s basement and or fridge.

  5. We are so on the same page! I was reading all of this and just nodding my head because it’s so true and I feel the same way. Honestly the first message is the first impression! Ask me some questions you have after seeing and reading my profile. It shouldn’t be that hard. Yet here we are, still dealing with these idiots.

    Single Vegas Girl

  6. Though online dating is an easy way to get the significant others today, it can be too much frustrating too. As you have mentioned in the blog, many women like you receive these kind of messages from hundreds of online dating profiles. Everyone tries to impress. But from them, some are genuine, and some people try to cheat. Like the use of online dating is increasing, catfishing is also increasing at the same pace. However, if you try to perform a Background check on your online dating partner, you can know his background details and keep yourself out of danger.

  7. I understand women wanting an original message, but in the world of dating, it’s typical for men to make the first move. In a perfect world, the first woman we contact with a perfectly crated personal message is totally receptive, and we have no need to explore other options. For those who are no so lucky, multiple approaches need to be made, so it gets way too time consuming typing dozens of messages… hence the advent of copy and paste. No offense ladies!

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