Be Expensive: Proofread Your Online Dating Profile

You could call me thrifty, you could call me cheap. Potayto, potahto.

The outfit I’m wearing as I type cost a grand total of $37.98.

Top: $7.99 Goodwill
Jeans: FREE My roommate got too skinny for them so she gave them to someone fatter (me).
Shoes: $29.99 Nine West Outlet
Necklace: FREE I worked at a jewelry sample sale and when it was all over the company was like- please just take this expensive jewelry we didn’t sell! (Yeah, best job ever.)

I got my bed frame free off Craigslist.

My hair was cut and colored by a student, all I paid was a $10 product fee. 

I’m drunk after 3 drinks. I put the cheap in “cheap date”. 

This is the way I keep from starving in America’s most expensive city. Thrifty, cheap, frugal, fiscally conservative: That’s me.

Which is why I stared at my date incredulously when he said:

“You’re cooler than I thought you might be. You know your online dating profile says you’re very expensive?”

“Um. What are you talking about?”

It was a first date. He’d sent me a message that stood out amid the sea of “Hey. What’s up?” and other copy-pasted wastes of time. I was getting to know the 3D version of him over drinks.

“Yeah,” he continued, “In the, ‘First things people usually notice about me’ section. You made a joke about boobs and then you wrote ‘I’m very expensive.'”

 

I laughed, “It doesn’t say ‘expensive’! It says ‘I’m very expressive!’ Expressive! HA! That’s hilarious you read it wrong! Teehee!”

Great. I’m on a date with a guy who can’t read.

Or was he on a date with a girl who couldn’t write?

As soon as he said it, I doubted everything. My mom always claimed I was slightly dyslexic, but never got me tested. Any one who has ever read my blog knows you could make drinking game out of every typo, grammar, spelling mistake I make (some one totally should and then write a guest post about the experience!). It certainly sounded like something I would do…

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“I thought you might have meant ‘expressive’,” he said, “‘I’m very expensive’ was such a strange thing to have on a dating profile! You certainly are expressive!”

I made a face, or five, to emphasize the point. I was kinda dazzled by this possibility.

“Wow, that’s embarrassing,” I said, “If I wrote ‘expensive’ instead of ‘expressive’.” But I still didn’t quite believe him. He’d read it wrong. This was on him, not me. I wasn’t that ridiculous.

“It was probably auto correct,” he said.

“Sure, let’s blame auto correct.”

We resisted the urge to grab our phones, settle the debate once and for all. Instead we moved on to talk of siblings or places traveled, or something else from the list of Things Discussed on First Dates.

The next day I remembered our conversation and checked my profile.

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He was right. I was completely wrong. I had to laugh. Then text him to let him know.

“I should never have said anything!” He texted back, “Maybe it was scaring a few people off haha”

Maybe it was! Maybe I’ve been scaring off ALL New York City’s most eligible bachelors because they think I demand no expense spared! Maybe that one fucking word is the one reason I’m having little luck in love these days!

I owe this guy a lot for alerting me such an error. Okay, I don’t owe him a lot. But at least a second date. 

I can’t make this stuff up. Don’t worry, I’m laughing at myself too.

Will this get me to better proof read my blog? 

Anyone else have a funny online dating profile fail? Please share in the comments! And maybe, if it made you laugh, think about sharing this post!

 

 

 

About New York Cliche

NYC lifestyle blog by Mary Lane. Events, adventures, epic mistakes, dating, life, humor. A 20-something trying to make it (and make out) in the city of dreams.

6 thoughts on “Be Expensive: Proofread Your Online Dating Profile

  1. Thanks for making me laugh! I recently received several emails on how I could “improve” my dating profile. See below:

    EMAIL 1

    Dear GoyToy: (this is my profile name)

    We have interacted before. I know it is wonderful to want to enjoy with others all the wonderful places you have been. But with the title GoyToy, you don’t come across as wanted a serious relationship. I don’t know what you are really looking for, but the impression you leave is someone who wants to be taken to nice places by men who will spend on you. Impression and reality can be very different, so I am just offering you the impression I get.

    You are certainly beautiful, and may have a lovedly soul. Dull I am not, and enjoying life is a wonderful part of a relation, but what is it that you want? My life is amazing. Perhaps not fully in the same ways. Nonetheless, hello.

    Blue wind
    Flowing through your hair
    Dreams
    Journey
    Stone of red and time
    Bricks of yellow and saffron
    Wondering down paths unknown
    Sangria and souls
    Heat and oblivion
    Time falling through the stars
    Like impossible infinities
    The birds ask for no more
    Abandon

    – Bear

    EMAIL 2
    Dear Goytoy:

    I am just offering you perhaps useful information about the impression you give. You screen name sets it off. You call yourself a toy, and you likely are not. You likely are looking for something serious. Most woman are.

    If I am wrong, then you should make that clear on your profile. I am not saying I am right, I am giving you self marketing suggstions. Just offering my professional advice to hopefully a nice person.

    Smiles to you,
    Bear

    EMAIL 3

    You can change your user name under the gear by your picture on the top bar if you want. Under sign up info.

    Goytoy does make me laugh. And I do recall an image you had in the past up here, of a fat dude, (ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS MIND YOU!) with his arm trying to reach you on the beach. Also fed into the image. Glad it is not longer there.

    I am sure you are wonderful. But first impressions set the stage for who writes you.

    Goytoy is the dream of rich jewish men. I hope you are not offended. Just giving you feedback. Not you, but your advertizement.

    I like your date and his appraoch much better ML! xo

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