I’d been on four great dates with this guy. He made me laugh, he remembered my favorite cookies are macarons, and he didn’t let a little rain ruin a lovely evening. Smart, spontaneous, and also really cute. I was starting to think he might be someone I could actually really like. After our fourth date he kissed me goodbye and left the next day for a two-week vacation in the Hamptons. Two weeks is a long time when you’ve barely known someone a month!
The first week he texted me pictures from the beach, pictures of the lobsters he was eating, pictures that made me absolutely jealous but also happy. He was keeping in touch, maybe he might actually really like me too! When he texted me “You need to come next time”, I felt sure of it.
The second week was completely different. He responded to one text I sent but otherwise I heard nothing. “It’s okay, Mary Lane,” I told myself, “He’s spending his time making the most of his vacation, not texting you! That’s okay! Give him space!”
I gave it some time. I knew the day he was back in the city…that day came and went. Three days later, I still hadn’t heard from him….
“After a two-week vacation, work is probably crazy…” I rationalized, shoving the or maybe he’s just not that into you doubts aside. “Keep giving him time.”
I gave him time, plenty of time. Nothing. When I hadn’t heard from him in over a week, I decided fuck this shit. I was tired of simply hoping to hear from him. So I texted him, “Are you still in the Hamptons?”
My fears were confirmed. The guy was ghosting me. What a jerk!
“Ghosting” is a term that refers to a common modern dating phenomenon. A romantic prospect falls off the face of your earth. They leave a radio silence on all forms of communication. They disappear with no warning and you never know WHY.
It’s a horrible thing to do to someone! I loathe it. I do not stand for it. So I texted him again:
Look at me! I’m so cute and clever! He’ll have to respond to that!
NOPE! NEVER got a response. NOTHING. DEAD SILENCE.
I was hurt. Ghosting so damn disrespectful! I was pissed. It’s fucking mean! ANY response is kinder than being ignored! I was annoyed. There’s no excuse for ghosting!
Then I thought about it (because I couldn’t get it out of my head, no matter how much I wanted to). I thought about it and realized, you know, there actually are some excuses for ghosting! In addition to drowning and frisbee head injuries, I came up with:
14 Acceptable Reasons to Ghost Someone
1 A parent died
You’re grief-stricken, probably having difficulty processing your feelings. You’re on the phone constantly, handling funeral arrangements, speaking to lawyers, and relatives you haven’t seen since you were seven. You’ve completely forgotten about me and I totally get it. Best wishes to you and your family.
2 Diagnosed with an STI
As long as you didn’t expose me to it, there’s no reason to tell me. But you’re probably embarrassed enough that you don’t want to deal with any potential sexual partner right now. Makes sense to me! Welp, hope it’s not AIDS, hun!
3 Bi-polar disorder
Maybe when we met you were manic and now you’ve come crashing down. You see my text and can’t respond to it. How could any one possibly like you when you feel this worthless and depressed? So I never hear from you again. I understand and sincerely hope you have a good therapist.
4 Discovered we are blood related
You Google-searched the shit out of me and Ancestors.com revealed we have the same great-great grand father. You can’t believe you made out with your COUSIN! GROSS! You’re so disgusted, you never talk to me again. You think you’re doing me a favor, sparing me this incestuous knowledge. No, man! You’re depriving me of a RIDICULOUS story! Damn it!
5 Arrested and cannot make bail
Who knows what the crime was. But being in jail definitely makes it impossible to contact someone! I can blame you for being a criminal, but I can’t blame you for ghosting!
Oh this is just horrible! Of course you can’t communicate, you’re bound and gagged and god knows where! Stay strong!
7 Sold into sex trade
Do grown men actually get sold into sexual slavery? Seems incredibly rare. Dude, you have the worst luck. But the best excuse for ignoring me! Stay strong! You will escape, I believe in you!
8 Spontaneous decision to join a monastery
You saw a vision sent from God. It was so powerful, you felt moved to destroy all your worldly possessions (including your phone), forsake all temptations of the flesh (including me), and devote yourself to Jesus! Hallelujah.
9 Forced to join a cult
You poor thing! Hope you’re as unbreakable as Kimmy Schmidt!
Ouch. That’s….that’s gotta be painful on so many levels. I want to ask how the fuck this happened but uh, you’re dealing with enough shit right now. Um…I hope it doesn’t get infected? Hope you find a good therapist? Take care!
11 Rare flesh-eating virus destroyed fingers
At least it’s better than castration?
I mean, if you can’t remember who I am, I can’t very well expect you to respond to me. Get well soon! And congrats on having such a romantic, old-timey affliction!
13 BOTH hands bitten off by crocodile, replaced with hooks
Well, I sure get why you can’t text! The bad news is no woman is going to let you near her with TWO hooks. The good news is the next Peter Pan remake will probably be all about you! Cool!
Aw! You became, like, an actual ghost! Bummer, babe, but take comfort in the words of Billy Joel: “only the good die young”. Rest in peace!
NO DOUBT one of these happened to that poor guy I’d been on four dates with! I mean, I could assume he’s a disrespectful asshole, but I’ll never know for sure! Maybe he’s a really nice guy who contracted genital warts, joined a monastery, and lost all his fingers ALL ON THE SAME DAY!