The Best Christmas Present Ever: Toilet Humor

My roommates and I threw a Halloween party. We had talked about it since the beginning of October, planned matching costumes (Peter Pan, Tink, and Captain Hook: see end of this post), and were all around excited. Until two days before the fête when I woke up with a cold. A ferocious cold. The kind of cold where your head is so overwhelmed with snot you have no choice but to become a mouth breather. No one likes a mouth breather. Especially at a party.

I was well enough to function, not sick enough to cancel, and so the party plan soldiered ahead, full stride. The day of I ended up working late in New Jersey, giving me no time to help with decorations. As soon as my train got back to Manhattan, I picked up snacks, an extra box of tissues, and rushed home.

I put on my costume, I mingled with guessed, I drank a drink or two (because that’s a great idea when you’re sick). I was actually having fun. Until the clock struck midnight. Then I turned into a pumpkin, with stringy, gloopy, gross insides and a single, pained expression carved into my face: No, I’m great! Really! Totally having fun! By 2AM the party was still going strong and I couldn’t take it any more.

I slipped in my room, to lie down just for a minute. You can guess what happened next. I woke up 4 hours later, fully clothed on top of my bed, my painted Captain Hook mustache smeared all over my face. Both my bladder and sinuses were full to bursting as I arose and stumbled out of the room. The carnage from the party, beer bottles and fallen streamers, greeted me on the way to the bathroom. The apartment didn’t look too bad, a mess to deal with after more sleep. I made it to the bathroom, grimaced at my reflection in the mirror, and plunked myself down on the toilet with a sigh of relief. Relief immediately turned to surprise and pain. OUCH! Something had bitten my ass! What the hell was going on?

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image via

Ignoring my acute need to relieve myself, I pulled up my pants and surveyed the scene. That’s when I saw it, a large crack in the toilet seat. Some one at the party had broken the toilet seat! How was that possible? I had never considered it a possibility before, that one could break the seat of a toilet. Nor had I considered that once broken, the cracked toilet seat will pinch any ass that sits upon it. It was too much to bear at such an early hour of the morning. Some how I managed to position myself in a way to avoid the treacherous part of the seat and with an empty bladder, went back to bed.

When we all arose near noon, the mystery of the broken toilet seat remained in the dark. Not one of my roommates had a clue as to who broke it. No one at the party had confessed nor apologized. “How the hell do you break a toilet seat?” we wondered. Our butts had all be accosted by the crack, we all agreed it was one of the more unpleasant experience our rears had ever endured. We needed a new toilet seat pronto.

But where does one purchase a new toilet seat? How does one attach it after having purchased it? This was a “Things You Must Deal With As An Adult” first for me. Weeks passed, we still didn’t have a new toilet seat. We all learned to maneuver around the crack, like children playing a game on the sidewalk Step on a crack, break your mother’s back. A month passed. What the hell is wrong with us! We still have this horrible toilet seat! I went out, determined to be an adult. To buy a new toilet seat. To put an end to this ridiculousness! When I finally found a store that sold such things, I still came out empty. Do we need a 17 inch seat? 19 inch? 21? I have no idea! This is overwhelming! Fuck it, we’ve learned to avoid the crack, I’m not getting a new one today!

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Pip the Cat, models the toilet seat

This lasted until Christmas. Christmas! Our butts endured nearly two months worth of pinches! In the end, my roommates parents ended up buying us a new toilet seat. They installed it as well. It is by far the best Christmas present I received this year. Sorry, everyone-else-who-got-me-prettier-presents-that-a-toilet-seat, but it’s the truth. I still sit down on it, expecting the old familiar cheek pinch. Then I realize it is new, perfect, uncracked. I can relax. It makes me smile every time I use the toilet these days. Best. Christmas. Present. Ever.

feature image: http://www.handymanhowto.com/finishing-a-basement-bathroom-part-12/

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Comedy Trio of Sledding Cluelessness in Central Park

Saturday in New York City. A perfect winter day, sunny and cold with snow blanketing every untrafficked part of the city. Three gals finished brunch, almost left their plastic purple sled under the table, and headed off to Central Park.

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Three California girls: Miranda, Charlotte, and I all grew up in San Francisco. At this point we’ve survived many east coast winters. We know how to stay warm, we’ve mastered winter accessories (warm must win over cute. Sigh). But not one of us had more than a clue about sledding. That wasn’t going to stop us from trying.

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The snow was pristine in the fenced off areas of the park. No sign can keep an angel out!

San Francisco is notorious for its hills. New York is not. Usually the three of us are what you might call “hill snobs”. What, you call that a hill? Please, that’s barely an incline! We searched for the perfected slope for our sledding maiden voyage. As we walked, Miranda shared what she knew about sledding, “My friend Dave broke his arm sledding a few years ago,” she paused,  “And you remember Naomi? She went sledding in college, slid into a broken bottle and had to get stitches all up her arm.” Suddenly every hill we saw, every bump in the road seemed too steep.

We finally found a incline hill that didn’t scare the shit out of us seemed just right. I was elected to go first as I had been sledding before. Once. Six years ago. Unfortunately my mind was void of memories of that experience, filled instead with thoughts of broken arms/stitches/teeth getting knocked out/not having health insurance. I wouldn’t let my friends down. I plunked the sled down in the snow, awkwardly sat upon it, grabbed on to the purple plastic handles, and shuffled my feet to give myself a push. Then I was flying through the air, sliding down the pathetic excuse for a hill at perhaps the speed of a squirrel. Fast enough to have fun!

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After a few trips down, we all felt a little more confident. We decided to go look for a better hill.

Soon we came across the perfect hill. Lots of other sledders seemed to think so. Sure, they were all under the age of six. I’d like to think they had just as much (and probably more!) sledding experience as we did!

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Despite our initial tentativeness, we had a blast. It was so fun. We didn’t need to go down big hills! We shrieked with delight, sliding down two at a time on our purple saucer, the third person playing camera man.

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I really needed this reminder that it is fun to go outside in the winter! Central Park is so gorgeous covered in snow! It’s always tempting to stay in and warm and hibernate all season. Must resist! I can’t wait to go sledding again. What are other fun outside winter activities?

New Year’s Eve, So Close to Making It

New York cliché: people spend weeks planning the perfect night for New Year’s Eve. They find the fanciest party, with open bar and killer views. They pick the perfect outfit in which they’ll kick off the new year. They have a swoon-worthy date, exactly who they want to kiss as the clock strikes 12.

New York Cliché: I booked a job working a 15 hour gig on New Year’s Eve. Under the impression we would be in Times Square, the center of NYE action, I was excited. Reality had the activation on a side street, on the outskirts of extravaganza. Outfitted in a shapeless teal jacket, ski pants so large my high school boyfriend would have happily worn then to a rave, and topped off with a solid day of hat hair, I didn’t feel so hot. (In terms of attractiveness. In terms of temperature, I couldn’t have asked for a hotter outfit.) I did manage to score a hot date: my roommate was also working the event.

Not your typical New Year’s Eve.

The music of the Times Square’s live performances wafted on cold December gusts as we stood, smiling and encouraging people to use the lavatory. Yep, I spent my last day of 2013 encouraging people to pee. We had the only toilets accessible near Times Square. Over the strains of Miley and the Biebs, we promoted a cleaning product. Thus we had the most pristine public WC that NYC has ever seen. Oh, we were in high demand, a hot commodity inside a heated tent.

Offering people a pristine “shitter”, could there be a more fitting end to a shitty year?

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A short block, in distance, felt so far removed from this party. Image via lifeisbutatheme.com

At 11:30PM we our work day ended. This allowed plenty of time to get out of the area before the pandemonium of post-midnight. But not quite enough time to get to our New Year’s party by midnight. But maybe? We rushed to the subway. Opting to avoid congested streets, we headed for the local rather than express station. Moments later we watched an express train pass us. We looked at each other knowing we made the wrong choice. Two minutes later another express train passed.
“Are you serious?” my roommate yelled at the train.
“FUCK YOU 2013!” was my contribution.

“Well, we’re not going to make it. There’s no chance in hell. Let’s just resolve ourselves to the fact we’re ringing in 2014 underground on a train.” No sooner was this thought spoken than a local train pulled up. “Great. At least we’ll be there shortly after midnight.”

The train pulled up to 59th Street and there sat express train, waiting for us. The one we had screamed at in frustration.
“No way!” we exclaimed with joy.
Our chance in hell was returned. It was 11:44PM. This was a subway race against the clock. With hope restored, our spirits soared. We wouldn’t make the party, but at least chances were we wouldn’t be in a dirty subway car.

As our train sped past the local train, I looked out the window at those traveling adjacent to us. Would they be spending the turn of the new year on the subway? Did they care. I made eye contact with a man who looked about my age. I smiled and waved at him. His face lit up brighter than Times Square, I watched him nudge his friend next to him. My roommate and I laughed and waved at two boys who laughed and waved back, all of us in the exact same predicament. It was a great moment. The last great moment of 2013.

We got out of the subway at 11:56PM. The view of downtown and the Empire State greeted us. Beautiful. There was no way we’d make it, but still we ran up the hill. Crossing the street, a block and a half away from our destination, we had our own countdown. Under a scaffolding on a New York City street we cheered, “5, 4, 3, 2, 1 HAPPY NEW YEAR!” We laughed, threw our arms around each other, and kissed. Two people walking in front of us saw this and laughed and then felt inspired to do the same. It was a great moment. The first great moment of 2014.

Walking the rest of the way to the party, my roommate mused.
Maybe this is the year we both almost make it. The year we get so close, we can see the lights at the end of the block, hear the music, almost reach the top of the hill. We won’t quite get there by midnight, but we’ll enjoy it none the less. That’s an important kind of year, one we both need. This is the perfect start.

Here’s to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (not in a death way, don’t worry), emerging from the fog of uncertainty. I see that happening this year. Cheers to that, to 2014.

2013 “You’re Done Slapping Me Around” Wrap-up

I started the year slapping a stranger in the face. I never would have done it had I known the wretched consequences. 2013 took this beginning as a cue. The year delivered repeated (metaphorical) blows to my face, ass, boobs, feet, you name it! I learned the hard way the reason it’s cliché to kiss someone at midnight. Never making that mistake again. Tomorrow I’m all about puckering up and keeping my hands to myself! 2013, “The Year of Slaps”, will be remembered for many things. Perhaps most notably as the year I became inextricably superstitious. Just kidding. I think.

But the bright side of this unlucky ’13 is right here. In spite (and maybe because) of life slapping New York Cliché- my alias- upside the head, this year New York Cliché- the blog- flourished. Doubled the number of visitors from 2012. Exponentially increased my number of followers to well past 2,000. Honored by recognition on Freshly Pressed not once but twice. All of which boggles my mind and makes me unabashedly giddy. The best part? I wrote 82 posts, most of which I’m proud of. Some I’m seriously proud of.

The slap that started it all.
Slappy New Year
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I made up a biker boyfriend and got Freshly Pressed for the first time.
I’ll Make Up a Biker Boyfriend If It Makes Life Easier 

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I fell in love. Several times.
1. With Governor’s Island: The Time-Warp Haven on Governor’s Island
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2. With a stranger on the street: The Passing Fantasies of a Hopeless Romantic
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3. For real: Sometimes It’s a Long Trip to “I Love You”
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I Learned to appreciate kilts.
My Boyfriend Is Gonna KILT Me

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I had my heart broken.

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For real.
The Post I Wrote Instead of “The Other Woman Part 2
Pen is mightier than the sword

I got a cat!
One Giant Leap Towards Cat Lady Cliché
Pip the Cat

I stood on the public streets of NYC wearing just a bra.
Bikini Season Comes Early: Out in Public in a Bra
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I visited Chinatown, shared some super awkward pictures from my adolescence, and was part of a vlog.
Chinatown Adventures of a “Token White Girl”

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I went to Carnegie Hall and got Freshly Pressed a second time.
The Show Must Go On: In Life and at Carnegie Hall
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I hosted a give away.  And the winner is: Meredith!Screen shot 2013-12-30 at 5.09.48 PM

There you have my 13 favorite posts of 2013! And congrats Meredith on winning the give-away! Let me know your email and I’ll send you the code to claim your prize! Big thank you to everyone who entered. I have a feeling because of the great response from y’all, there will be more of this kind of thing in the new year!

Here’s to 2014. You’re only a day away. My blog resolutions for the New Year:

  1. Respond to comments! I suck at responding to comments, and there is really no acceptable reason for this.
  2. Write guests posts- if you know any one who might be interested let me know [newyorkcliche@yahoo.com]
  3. Share other peoples blogs and posts that I enjoy reading. Which will also help me to:
  4. Consider what people want to share. Do you know how exciting it is when you guys share my posts? It’s like the best Christmas present ever. One Santa can’t exactly bring! If you like any of my favorite posts from 2013, or this post and want to make me the happiest little blogger on the world wide web, please consider sharing on Facebook or Twitter!

Happy New Year everyone! I’ll be spending mine in the most cliché place on earth to spend New Year’s Eve: Times Square! What are your NYE plans and resolutions?

Holiday Give Away With Minted!

December 26th. Boxing Day (whatever that means). The day after Christmas. As a child it was a huge let down- It’s all over! As an adult, it’s something of a relief- It’s all over! Still, I never manage to accomplish everything I hope to in December. All too often that includes sending out Christmas cards. (I can’t be alone in this, right?) With all the parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and caroling out in the snow, who has time to sit down and write two dozen cards? Now that the holiday is over and we get a bit of vacation before New Year’s, NOW is the time I want to do all that! Fortunately, I discovered the brilliance of New Year’s cards. Along with a website that creates beautiful ones. Best of all, I get to share it with you and one exuberant reader will win $50 to spend! Yep, a holiday give-away!

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Waiting this long to send holiday cards means they’re now on sale! Procrastination is rewarded, hooray!

Have you heard of Minted? I was just introduced. Since then, I can’t stop looking at their designs and imaging glee spread across the faces of my friends and family when they check their mail. Says their website: “Minted is the world’s premier online marketplace for independent design and art. We crowd-source design from a global community of thousands of independent designers. We sell their best designs as fine paper products for the home, holidays, and occasions.” Remember Threadless where artists submit t-shirt designs? This is a bit like that, but for stationary. They constantly have design challenges for open submission- if you create or design visual art, you might consider it! Any one can vote on designs, which I would argue is more fun than browsing Tinder, and the are many prizes possible.

Their New Year cards are gorgeous. And you don’t have to worry about religious affiliations! Minted uses high quality paper and the majority are designed to show case your photographs in creative ways. The demo cards pictured on the site are of course primarily of babies and newly weds. There is an entire section devoted to Pet Holiday Cards. As a single gal, is THAT my option? I mean I love my cat, but not enough to subject all my relatives to a card of his face!

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But I will submit my blog readers to his face! He’s in his Sunday Best!

In the past, I sent out cards with a picture of myself and my roommates. Is that still cute when you’re 27? I’m starting to question it. But then I know my family just wants to hear from me, that any smiling picture of me will bring them joy. That’s what actually matters. I have to admit, I am tempted to send out a picture of just me. “Hey folks, this is how it is! Single and fabulous! Don’t ask me when I’m going to meet Mr. Right, congratulate me for not settling for Mr. Wrong!” That would be the subtext, not the words I would actually write… What do you think, should I go for it?

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Oh man, I could never make a card as cute as this one. Not even my cat is that cute! Don’t get discouraged (or fooled) by cuteness when picking your card designs!

One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to write more. Letters! I know the joy I feel whenever I open the mail box and am greeted by something that is not a bill. It’s the romantic in me, I adore snail-mail. Minted has lovely stationary to make this easy. I find the prettier the stationary or card I have, the more motivated I am to send it out into the world. Even more then their whimsical cards and inspiring stationary, my favorite thing they have is their unique, easily personalized journal selection. I love me a good notebook but always struggle to find one that makes me want to carry it every where, one that begs to be used as much as possible. The amazing designers that Minted features have certainly met those requirements in their notebook designs. See for yourself!

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See! Pretty! I could make it say “New York Cliche” instead of “Kailey Johnston” and personalize the inside cover with an image! Many journals have photo options for the covers as well.

Remember I said this was a give-away? Sponsored by Minted, the winner gets $50 to spend on anything on their site! All you have to do to enter is leave a comment on this post. For an extra entry, share ANY of my blog posts on Facebook or Twitter- let me know you did that and where on the comment you leave in this post! Winner will be announced on Monday Dec 30th.
In my book it’s totally valid to send out New Years cards at least through the middle of the month. Come on, it’s January, the month where we most need little things to brighten the cold, dreary days!

Did you send out holiday cards a month ago? Do you ever write snail-mail letters? Do you know an artist who submit to their current Birth Announcement Challenge? What’s your favorite feature of Minted.com?  Follow Minted on Twitter!

All images (aside from Pip the Cat) are from Minted.com

The Holiday Windows at Bergdorf Goodman

Holiday windows are a tradition in New York City. People devote entire days to walking from Saks to Bloomingdales, Lord & Taylor to Macy’s, to peer at the sparkling displays behind glass. Most of this is left to tourists and the crowds will keep most hardened New Yorkers away. Still, there is one store that tops them all, that even a jaded New Yorker will go out of her way to view.

The Holiday Windows at Bergdorf Goodman 2013

Nothing else holds a candle to them.

The title for the 2013 show (it really is a show, as spectacular as the Rockettes) is Holidays on Ice. Each window representing a holiday.

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Arbor Day
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Thanksgiving
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Halloween
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Valentine’s Day
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Groundhog Day
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April Fool’s! Yes, it’s supposed to be upside down!

There was also a New Year and a Mardi Gras that didn’t photograph well with my camera- too much translucent ice! Those weren’t my favorites though. I can’t decide which is! A tie between Arbor Day and April Fool’s. Which is your favorite?

In case you’re unfamiliar, Bergdorf Goodman is a specialty department on 5th Avenue. When they say, the lap of luxury, this is what they mean. I walk into this store, I could be wearing my nicest outfit, decked out to the nines, and I feel shlubby and poor. Every thing in Bergdorf’s is designer, much of it couture. This is a place where a simple cotton t-shirt is $200.

I once went on a date to the MoMA and afterwards walked by Bergdorf’s. Looking at the windows, my date said, “This is better than anything we saw in that museum!” I thought he was crazy for saying such a thing, but it wasn’t a deal breaker- the Bergdorf windows truly are pieces of art.

Do you have a tradition of viewing holiday windows? Have you ever been to Bergdorf Goodman? What do you think of this holiday display? Happy weekend and Happy holidays!

SantaCon: New York’s Most Hated Holiday Tradition?

Rockefeller Christmas Tree: New York’s most beautiful holiday tradition.
Radio City Christmas Spectacular: New York’s most talent-filled holiday tradition.
SantaCon: New York’s newest and most controversial holiday tradition.

What is “SantaCon”? You may ask? To those who live in New York, no explanation is necessary. That one Saturday every December, it’s nearly impossible to avoid. To those of you who have never witnessed the phenomenon, allow me to explain.

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One Saturday every mid-December, swarms of revelers dress up in holiday paraphernalia, the majority as Santa Claus. Sounds fun, right? Nycsantacon.com will tell you “SANTACON is a charitable, non-commercial, non-political, nonsensical, Santa Claus Convention that happens once a year for absolutely no reason.” That sounds lovely! Thing is, there is a reason: the event is a costumed bar crawl. What SantaCon is renowned for is an excuse for drunken debauchery. Ask any New Yorker, “Tell me about SantaCon?” I will predict their response to be one of these three:

  1. “I have always wanted to do that, it looks awesome!”
  2. “I did it last year, it was bad ass.”
  3. “I HATE SANTACON.”

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    My roommate took this photo while worked at a bar last year during SantaCon. The experience put her decidedly in the HATE column of thought.

3 Major Controversies of SantaCon:

  1. SantaCon: A fun holiday tradition or an excuse to be a wasted asshole in red?
  2. SantaCon: Spreading holiday cheer through NYC or blighting it with puddles of vomit?
  3. SantaCon: Traumatizing to children or Fuck the kids! Why are you trying to raise kids in this city anyway?!

Here is something that’s hard to deny: There is nothing sadder than watching the confusion of a child during SantaCon.
“But I thought there was only one Santa!”
“Mommy, Santa said a bad word!!”
“Santa’s sick! Even Santa barfs?”
“WHY ARE TWO SANTAS PUNCHING EACH OTHER?”
“I thought Santa was supposed to be nice!”
“Oh, they’re just pretending to be Santa? Why?”

I have never participated in SantaCon. A little part of me has always wanted to. Dress up as Santa and run around NYC? That’s just goofy, and silly, and fun: three things I’m all about! Another part of me thinks I’m too old for that shit- the excuse for day drinking, getting plastered, and making an idiot of myself. It’s a good idea on paper: to spread the Christmas spirit. The event actually raises a large amount of money for local charities. In practice it has devolved into drunken frat boys roaming the streets in red packs, being douche bags.

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Santa Con’s reputation has gone so awry, there was much talk of shutting down the event entirely this year. Despite police efforts, the event soldiered on this past weekend: December 14, 2013. I was out in the thick of it, surrounded by drunks in red and swirly snow flakes. I got stuck working an event that had me outside all day on Saturday. Saturday which was:

  1. SantaCon
  2. The first big snow day of the year. It snowed steadily from 10AM to 10PM.

I was outside for more of that than I’d care to admit. Bundled up to the point of Michelin Man resemblance, I was cold and cranky. I wanted to be out with my friends, having whiskey warm up my bones!  I want the reason I’m cold to be my slutty Santa outfit, not because I’ve stood outside for 5 hours!

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I cannot say with certainty that I’m too old for SantaCon. I would guess majority of participants are 21-24, but any 20-something is not out of place. I won’t rule out Santa Con 2015: celebrating the final months before the big 3-0. We’ll see. What I can say with certainty is that I am too old to be working outside in December, in the snow. I would say NEVER AGAIN, but I already know that’s a lie. I booked a job to work outside in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. I’ll be ringing in 2014 in the ultimate of New York Cliché places (and making rent in one night) and I gotta say I’m excited!

A great insiders article from the Gothamist who interviewed the creator of SantaCon:
http://gothamist.com/2013/12/12/heres_what_santacons_founder_thinks.php