Have a great summer day everyone! Except my lovely southern hemisphere readers- cuddle up in blankets and drink hot cocoa for us up north!
Not feeling like the most proud American, in light of recent political events. But I know I am lucky to call the USA home. NYC most of all. And if there is one thing I can get behind celebrating, it’s summer! My favorite season!
I’ll be on the Hudson watching a brilliant display of fireworks. Then I intend to drink several cold, American brews. It’s my first weekend off in 3 weeks! I intend to stay as close to water as possible, anything to cool off.
Get ready for summer time on the blog! I had a fantastic photo shoot yesterday with photographer Matt Harvey. Monday we’ll have a whole new season appropriate look around the site. These pictures are just a teeny preview… Get excited and have a fantastic weekend!
If you are vacationing in NYC, you will visit Times Square. It is, after all, the #1 most popular tourist destination in the world. New Yorkers understand that you have to go. You must experience it for yourself: the sensory over load of lights, the smothered sidewalks where any concept of personal space is laughable. We understand but you should understand there is a very real chance we will lose all respect for you. It doesn’t have to be that way though!
Times Square Activities No Self-Respecting New Yorker Would Be Caught Dead Doing Why You Should Avoid Them and Better Things To Do in Times Square
1. Taking a Photograph with “Elmo”
Or vaguely sexualized Hello Kitties, the disturbing Lady Liberties, any of the scores of costumed creepers who roam Times Square via
These are not legit entertainers. They are just people who buy costumes and stand on the street aggressively trying to get you to pose for a picture and demanding tips. Some will even inappropriately touch you! This is NYC, not Disney Land or Sesame Place. There’s no originality, I’ve never seen one with a clean costume. They just give street performers a bad name.
The only inappropriate touching here is done by you. via
If you have to take a picture, get one with the Naked Cowboy. Sure he’ll demand a tip but he’s legitimately licensed, original, and an only in New York icon.
2. Eating at Olive Garden
Or TGIFriday’s, Applebee’s, Sbarro, Red Lobster and the like. via
I will question the sanity of anyone who eats at Olive Garden in Times Square. You’re in one of the world’s most culinary cities and you choose to eat the mediocre food that’s available at every strip mall in America? It’s a new definition of insanity! I won’t tell you to go way downtown to Little Italy instead. No. Just one block away you will find “Restaurant Row“. The block of 46th Street between 8th and 9th avenues is filled with dozens of fine dining options you can only find in New York. Your heart is set on Italian food? Still no excuse- my go-to pizza place Bella Vita is also a reasonably priced and reasonably classy Italian Restaurant. It’s on 43rd between Broadway and 8th Avenue.
3. Walking At a Snail’s Pace
New York cliché: locals walk fast. There is nothing we hate more than trying to wade our way through Times Square. Tourists move so slow! They block the whole sidewalk! This is worse than being behind a herd of cattle! We’d make more progress if you were all clogging up the streets doing yoga!
I didn’t make that up- every year on the summer solstice Times Square is blocked off for massive yoga classes!
4. Shopping in Times Square
Ok, you get a free pass on this one if you’re international and American stores are a novelty to you. However, if there is a Forever 21 and American Eagle (all the stores in Times Square are chains) in your mall back home, don’t waste your precious time in New York shopping at them! If you love shopping, check out The Market on Bleecker Street.
This is an amazing only in New York shopping space- local designers selling reasonably priced clothing and jewelry.
Also, can someone explain M&M’s World to me? I know tourists love it, love it so much I can’t even tell you not to go. But I will tell you locals think it’s insane, and a genius accomplishment of the Mars Company, that you will spend $20 on a bag of candy would could buy for $4 at the drugstore across the street.
Are the different colored M&Ms really worth the 500% mark up? I don’t get it! via
5. Buying Tickets to a Comedy Show
I wrote a whole post about the people who sell comedy tickets in Times Square, it occasionally still gets a nasty comment from one of the sellers. The thing is, you can just do so much better than any of the show’s they’re offering. If you want to see a comedy show, check out the Upright Citizen’s Brigade, the renown breeding place for SNL performers. Ticket’s are pretty cheap, there are no drink minimums, I can’t guarantee you’ll laugh but at least you won’t feel like you we scammed.
6. Visiting Madame Tussaud’s
Do you really want to go to the epitome of tourist traps? via
You want to see art? Go to the MOMA or the Metropolitan Museum of Art. You want to see celebrities? There are plenty on Broadway- you can currently see Zach Braff performing in Bullets over Broadwayand both Alan Cumming and Michelle Williams in Cabaret. If you do all those things and still want to go to Madame Tussaud’s, well, I won’t ever understand you, but at least I’ll respect you (mostly).
7. Giving Any Guys with a Sign Like this the Validation of a Laugh
I say don’t even give him a laugh, let alone $1 via
Maybe this deserved a chuckle 8 years ago when the first guy did it. (Even then I’m not sure, but at least it was his idea.) These days when you walk through Times Square you’ll see at least a dozen guys holding signs like this! How can there be that many? Holding this sign is lucrative. Ludicrous is what locals say. None of them deserve money for making you laugh, all they did was copy someone else’s idea. Don’t be the stupid tourist who keeps this crop of guys all over Broadway.
8. Falling Prey to Obvious Scams
Don’t take a CD from any one handing you one on the street. He’ll try to make you buy it.
Don’t donate money to people claiming it’s for the homeless, “Your donation will help feel a homeless family tonight.” They sound convincing and look like they are from an organization. Let me (and Inside Edition) convince you they absolutely keep it for themselves.
Now if you see a bunch of attractive 20-somethings smiling and handing out free snacks (or even free metro cards) while wearing branded t-shirts (or bathrobes)- this is legit! Times Square is a prime site for guerilla promotions like this- I know because I’ve worked a handful!
9. Asking “Where is Times Square?” When You Are Clearly In Times Square
Working in Times Square my first summer in NYC, it was amazing how many people asked me this question. While we were standing in the thick of it! “Times Square” is an area, it is not a specific location. If you are on Broadway or 7th Avenue between 42nd to 50th Street, you are 100% in Times Square. If you are surrounded by huge glowing billboards, take them as a sure sign (pun intended)!
I used to visit Times Square every day- I’ve worked several jobs in the area (the above photo is me heading to work at the Jekyll & Hyde Club). What about you, when was the last time you went? Poll: is Times Square the best or THE WORST? + Let me know if you agree or disagree with any of my 9!
I recently realized that I, like so many women, keep dating the same type of guy. If I make (out with) the mistake over and over and expect different results- they say that’s the definition of insanity. I’d personally like to avoid the cliché that all women are crazy. So I’m attempting to analyze my dating patterns.
Maybe if I can make some sense out of the mess of my love life I can stop this loop-de-loop of Mr. Wrong.
Interesting Discoveries from My Dating History Research and Reflection
#1. Three men have ever dumped me. Two out of those three got hideous forearm tattoos not long after said break ups. 66%! Coincidence? Impossible. Hilarious? Incredibly. Indication I have terrible taste in men? You betcha.
#2. The vast majority of men I have slept with claimed to be insomniacs (I go for guys who like to complain)….but then had no problem sleeping til noon (I go for guys who waste their lives).
#3. The last two guys I dated were both into the ludicrous “entertainment” that is pro wrestling. If a person is desensitized to watching grown men beat the shit out of each other with little injury, seems likely he won’t realize the consequences of beating the shit out of my heart. Experience tells me it’s true.
#4. I have a demonstrated pattern of falling for guys with clear signs of substance abuse. Do I hope to be so alluring he’ll love me more than Nancy Whiskey? Adore Mary Lane more than his long time beloved, Mary Jane? I don’t find myself competing with other women for the affections of men, I compete with inanimate objects. How fucked up is that?
#5. Five for five of the last guys I’ve dated couldn’t afford to take me out to dinner. That’s fine. I’m not going to dump a guy for going dutch. The problem pattern was that 3 out of the 5 couldn’t afford unlimited MetroCards. That’s the monthly subway pass, it costs $112. These fellas couldn’t afford $112 upfront, two even canceled dates cause they couldn’t afford the trip! How do I react? Not one, not two, but THREE times? Oh no! I can’t be shallow and dump a guy for not having enough money! THAT was my thought, not You’re a bum. I don’t date bums. This might be the new definition of insanity.
The broke, artsy, substance abuser, possessing questionable taste. He thinks I’m amazing. Probably because he’s amazed I’m giving him the time of day. This, ladies and gentlemen, this is “my type”:
Well not anymore. I’m done with that type. Forever. It’s the end of an era, friends, I’m calling it the end of my Bohemian Bum Man-Child phase. This is serious. Nothing, not even if he looks like Ryan Gosling, can make me go back. No joke. Guys, cyber bully the shit out of me if you think I’m falling off the wagon.
It’s the dawn of a new era. I’ll be 28 years old in two weeks, this comes not a moment too soon. This is the dawning of…okay I don’t know exactly what to call this new era…yet. But I think I’m gonna like it. The first man I’m dating as part of this new phase doesn’t have an unlimited Metrocard. Because he has a car. A Prius. (Plus he composts, this is enough to melt a California-NYC transplant’s heart.) He doesn’t think I’m amazing just for giving him the time of day. In fact I’m not sure he thinks I’m amazing at all…yet. I think he’s sweet, funny, kind, and smart. Amazing? I’m not sure either. I hope we both stick around long enough to find out.
When I said yes to being a bridesmaid, two roads diverged in the white whirlwind of wedding season.
Road #1. Bitter Bridesmaid Mary Lane: Every step down this path makes me more jealous my friend has found the love of her life. I’m still woefully single! I don’t even have a date for the wedding! I hate matching dresses! She wants me to spend loads of my hard-earned money celebrating this love? Um, isn’t finding him enough?! Ugh! This is gonna be annoying! #cliche
Ugh! So bitter! Ducklips all the way!
Road #2. Merry Bridesmaid Mary Lane: Every step down this path makes me more happy my friend has found the love of her life. An excuse to forget the woes of my love life and celebrate how happy you are! Getting to buy a beautiful dress that I will totally wear again! An exclusive invite into the hottest party of the summer, a reunion with hella (California) friends from childhood! Ah! This is gonna be awesome! #reality
Happy! Stars in my eyes! And yep, drunk off wine!
Two roads diverged in wedding season, and I? I took the one that would make for really boring reality TV.
Funny I mention that- the bride is actually the only person I know who’s ever been on reality TV. She was a contestant on America’s Got Talent last season (I wrote about attending the taping here). In fact, her engagement was announced on the show.
I was Merry Bridesmaid Mary all the way. I actually enjoyed putting my own wants aside and having, “What does the bride want?” be the only opinion that mattered. Decision making can be hard in a group of girlfriends, this made it easy.
The bride wants to eat one more piece of cake before getting on the bus back to the hotel? I HAVE NO CHOICE: MUST JOIN HER.
The wedding was in Napa, the reception right on a vineyard. California is so beautiful, everything was picture perfect. The bride and groom met in grad school- each seeking higher degrees in music. Music is their life. Music is their love. Music was everywhere. The ceremony featured a full choir comprised of the couple’s friends who sang seven pieces, including a world premier commissioned for the occasion.
You can see the choir in back of this first kiss!
Walking through the hall of the hotel, us bridesmaids just started singing “Going to the Chapel” and ended up in 3 part harmony. This was easily the least musical thing associated with the wedding, but we were pretty pleased with how it sounded and had to recreate the spontaneous moment once we got in the limo.
Gah, aren’t we just the cutest? You might recognize Charlotte and Miranda who were bridesmaids as well. It was the BEST to have so much celebration and time spent with these ladies! All in our California home land!
This was the first wedding of one of my really close friends. I can’t wait for more (wish I could say the same for my bank account)! The bride failed to do a bouquet toss (UGH! Bitter Lane creeping in!), so we have NO WAY of knowing who’s next. I only hope it’s half as fun, and half as musical, as this Napa fairy tale.
Sunday was the bee’s knees, the cat’s meow. I’d go so far as to say Sunday was the cat’s pajamas.
Sunday was the 9th annual Jazz Age Lawn Party. Me and my two best dames, we were jazzed. We got all dolled up in some swanky rags and hot ticketed out to Governor’s Island. The ferry docked, waiting for us, our time machine ready to transport us across the harbor. Back to the bygone era of prohibition and big bands. My friends, Charlotte and Elaine, stood with bags full of picnic supplies ready to board. Me? I was still on the subway. I was the wet blanket, folks, the reason we had to stand around in 2014 for an extra hour, waiting for the 11 o’clock ferry. Oh my pals razzed me out good and long and hard for it. Horsefeathers, but I deserved it.
Soon that was all water under the bridge- Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queensborough- take your pick. Once we boarded the 11 o’clock ferry, it was all smooth sailing. The sun was out, the sky was blue, the view was divine. Everything was hotsy-totsy.
Off the ferry and on the green flanked paths of the island, strains of revelry wafted through the air. Sounds came first, next came sights- the tents, the people all spiffed up. Girls in fringe and nifty head wear, fellas in straw hats and well fitting trousers. Well done, old sports. Dappled sunlight provided a spotlight on all the festivities.
This was a picnicker’s paradise. We set up camp within range of the dance floor, laying out crackers and cheeses, crudités, and spreads upon our checkered blanket. Soon the area became a quilt of such blankets, a labyrinth tricky to escape without trodding upon the cloth of a stranger.
After satiating ourselves, saps we were for skipping breakfast, escape we did, to the dance floor! Our blanket remained on the lawn, saving our place and keeping out picnic baskets company. This party was on the level, no double-crossers here. It felt just ducky to not worry about crooks scamming our clams while we trotted out our gams.
At the head of the dance floor sat the Dreamland Orchestra headed by Michael Arenella, the man who started it all, the Real McCoy behind the whole event. In between sets, antique phonograph DJ MAC and Michael W. Haar sampled records, taking the art of DJ-ing to a whole new nifty level.
The dance floor was a swell combination of hoofers who knew just how to shake a leg, and uncoordinated rag-a-muffins. Us Bettys were well in the rag-a-muffin category. We might have known better had we not missed the Peabody dance lesson from Roddy Caravella. No, we weren’t masters of grace or fancy-foot work, but heck if we didn’t have a real ritzy time.
Then came the real keen flappers, in stunning ensembles and swoon worthy dance moves. The dance floor periphery was a solid wall of onlookers, impossible to penetrate with my rudimentary camera. So I have no sharp pictures of Carvella’s Canarsie Wobblers, though their performance was better than giggle water. Next up was the Dreamland Follies with Gregory Moore and some how I wiggled my way to the front.
The costumes! The singing! The moves! These Dreamland Follies were really a dream come true! A hip to the jive performance can propel you higher than any moonshine! But there was no paltry hooch at this event, St. Germaine took fine care in wetting all our whistles.
Nothing beats a cool drink on a hot day. Not even pie, although it comes really close. Rhatz, I’m no baker, but there sure was a pie contest, and those pies sure did look swell.
I could say the same for the Bathing Beauties and Beaus Promenade curated by Voon Chew. I’m no bathing beauty (well, at least not one who owns a jazz era vintage swimsuit), but there sure was a promenade of authentically dressed bathing beauties and they all looked real swell!
What better way to spend a Sunday! There were so many live performances, wonderful food for sale, as well as tents full of merchandise harking back to the 1920s. The head wear is my favorite. So many dashing hats and feathered headbands. I wish I had occasion to wear them all the time!
This event was so much fun for all ages. Little kids running around having a ball, older people transported back to their youth. The friendly, joyous atmosphere really is unparalleled. All this and more is happening again in August! August 16th and 17th is the next and finals weekend for the Jazz Age Lawn Party. Don’t miss it! Get more information at their website http://www.jazzagelawnparty.com/. If you want to learn 1920s slang for the occasion, or just translate some of this blog post, visit the website I used here. Attagirl, check it out!
A Sunday spent with my favorite dolls at the ritziest party of the season? Doesn’t get more bee’s knees than that!
I’ve been in California. Visiting my hometown of San Francisco and for the wedding of one of my best friends. It was an amazing trip. The absolute only downside was that it turned me into the worst blogger in the world. Sorry! Back to regular posting next week. In the mean time, here are some pictures from the glorious West Coast!
It’s pride month in San Francisco, rainbow flags are everywhere!The wedding was beautiful, perfect really. On a Napa vinyard, sun shinning. Picture perfect. Except when I didn’t jump in time (that’s me on the far left). Can you believe the height the bride’s getting in that dress? She’s incredible. For countless reasons.The reception? So. Much. Fun. So Much Wine.Photo at the Golden Gate Bridge! Redeemed my jumping skills in this one!No shame being a tourist in my home town! Contrary to this picture, I am not in need of a peg leg, don’t worry. Alcatraz!Went up Coit Tower for the first time. Most touristy thing ever, with the best views ever.Speaking of great views, this is the view from the roof of my childhood home.Watching the sunset over the Golden Gate. GLORIOUS.
You want me to blog more about this trip, right? For more pictures check me out on Instagram! http://instagram.com/marylanenyc Have a fabulous weekend everyone!
Normally, this is the day when rehearsals for my summer theatre job begin. Actually, they began this morning, around when I started writing this post. But I’m not there! This summer I made the choice to stay in the city, for the first time in four years. I’m positively giddy about the prospects of this, as you know. Still, I’m a little sad, a little nostalgic today, missing a home away from home and fellow actors who are like family.
Now, I should tell you, this was not your typical summer stock job. No.
I worked at a Renaissance Festival all these years.
Can you believe it? It’s so not cliché!
Yar! It’s true! Oops, did I just say “yar”? Typical. For four fantastic years I played the part of a piratess. I created the character myself, so she plays to all my strengths. I’d describe her as a delightful paradox of cruelly piratical and ridiculously silly. Her name is “Consequence Wailes”.
Here she is! Consequence is kinda like me, if I was blood-thirsty, mad charismatic, & born in 1562.
The story goes: she was named by pirates who called her “Consequence” because her birth was a consequence of their philandering. Har! Har!
Every weekend from July- August I became this pirate lass, performing intense, interactive, outdoor theater. The experience was incredible, life changing even.
So why am I not going back? Oh, a myriad of reasons. They’re good reasons, but not fun to list.
I’ll list something fun instead!
WHAT I Miss MOST About Being A Pirate
1. Turkey Leg Duels
credit: Mike Meagher via facebook
Now I’ve eaten enough turkey leg to last a lifetime. What I will miss is the duels that happen you’ve eaten down to the bone. Turkey Leg Duels are a sport I created (an arrogant claim, I’m sure people fought them before my time) where contenders use turkey legs as swords and battle each other. Turkey goes flying. It’s ridiculous and highly entertaining.
2. Looking like a BAMF
credit: Mike Meagher via facebook
Me? I’m a cute blonde girl from San Francisco. My character? She was raised by pirates and fought her way to captain a ship in an insanely male dominated world. She has a scar on her cheek from getting slashed in the face and she’s killed over 200 men. No one is more bad ass than Consequence Wailes and embodying that is amazing.
3. Getting Dunked
“Dunking” is a historical punishment where in miscreants were forced into a chair, dunked into dirty water, and likely to catch cold and die as a result. No joke. Working at a Ren faire, this former punishment becomes a job! Fortunately, on a hot summer day it’s not so bad to be plunged into water. It certainly is an experience as adrenaline from the dunking floods your body and then you shout (or sing in my case) insults at the nasty town sheriff who’s dunking you.
4. Feeling Like a Rockstar
credit: Chad Williams via facebook
Someone I didn’t know, a patron of the festival, printed a shirt with my character’s name on it. “CONSEQUENCE WAILES WILT THOU MARRY ME” it read. It was incredibly out of the ordinary, incredibly flattering, and made me feel well, incredible! I’ll never forget that day, I really did feel like a pirate super star.
5. Belching
credit: Heather Jones via facebook
I usually spend all summer trying to maximize my burps so they are super loud and super gross. I seriously consider this part of the job- I’m a pirate! I can’t tell you how many people I’ve cracked up with just a well punctuated, volumous belch. Won’t be doing that in NYC! This summer all gas will be quiet and lady-like. Blast.
6. Tying People Up
credit Andrew Johnson via facebook
In public! Not in a BDSM way! This is the only time and place in the world I can walk up to a stranger, tell them I’m going to kidnap their child, and they think it’s the best thing ever! I tie people up, vividly describe how I’ll torture them, speak of all the men I’ve killed- cause it’s my job! Yar!
7. Children’s Reactions
credit: Brett Downes via facebook
Kids love pirates and I’m especially good at entertaining them and getting them to participate. It’s a blast, there’s really nothing I love more. Having performed for four years, there is a handful of kids who I have seen grow up. Two little auburn haired boys have parents who work at the fair so I’ve seen them every year. They each especially adore my character. (The worst part of not being a pirate this summer: thinking of the kids who will be disappointed.)
8. Pub Sing
credit: Meghan Heyes via facebook
The last half hour of the day, everyone meets on the Festival Stage to sing song. Folk songs, sea shanties, old drinking songs. Music is such a part of life at this fair. Melodies seep into your pores, sometimes makes you cry, and always brings joy. It’s magical and inspiring. So inspiring I sat down one day, not even thinking about it, and wrote a song of my own…
9. Making Music Videos
The song I wrote is all about my character and thus titled, “The Ballad of Consequence Wailes”. It’s ridiculous and silly and hilarious (so I’ve been told). Filming was such a blast and I’m so glad I have to immortalize my pirate self! Written, directed, and performed by yours truly- give it a watch!
10. Fair Family
credit: Mike Meagher via facebook
I met so many incredible, kind-hearted, creative, fantastic people because of Ren Fair. They are now many of my dearest friends, my biggest supporters. I’m not exaggerating when I say they’re family. Spending a summer in a woods in the middle of nowhere bonds people like nothing else! I love them, I’ll miss them, but bonds like that don’t break!
I know the stereotypes you’re probably thinking. No, it was not four summers spent naked in the woods, being at one with nature, and doing drugs. My time working at a Renaissance Faire was a buzz of hard work, creativity, spontaneity, physical training, historical studies, and yes, occasionally dancing in the rain. If you ever find yourself in upstate New York, around the Finger Lakes or even Syracuse, check out the Sterling Renaissance Festival. It’s a truly magical place.
Thanks for reading about my piratical Renaissance history! Did you watch the videos? I’d love to hear what you think!
I’ll be on the Hudson watching a brilliant display of fireworks. Then I intend to drink several cold, American brews. It’s my first weekend off in 3 weeks! I intend to stay as close to water as possible, anything to cool off.
