For a long time I couldn’t say, “I don’t want to be an actor any more,” without crying. Voicing those words felt like I was taking a cherished part of my identity, shoving it into an airlock without a spacesuit, and then shooting it out into The Void.
If I’m not an actor, then who the fuck am I? Without this dream…what do I have?
Now? Now I can say “I don’t want to be an actor” in all sorts of ways, with all sorts of emotional reactions. Confidently in job interviews! Flippantly towards concerned relatives! Knowingly to actors who still want to be actors, with every fiber of their being.
Today, I can even blog about it.
As for my identity, I’ve managed to keep that safely protected, floating in space. But answers still allude me. I let go of one dream…and now…
Now I’m too scared to let myself fall asleep again and dream another.
I still remember fifth grade graduation when I confidently filled out a questionnaire with my best cursive:
When I grow up, I want to be an actress.
From fifth grade going forward, the answer never wavered. For 20 years.
10 years in, I moved to New York City with stars in my eyes. I was going to do it! Prove everyone who told me I should have a sensible back-up plan wrong! I was determined to make it as an actor!
20 years in, I wavered. Oh boy did I waver. I wavered and I cried. Cried in many public places, on many different train lines – this is the New York City way.
I realized that bringing life to someone else’s words no longer felt like enough. No matter how entertaining, moving, or thought provoking those words could possibly be, it just wasn’t enough for me. I truly don’t want to be an actor anymore. It feels right. I didn’t give up on my dream, I let it go. And that’s okay!
It’s okay until I start to think about how I’m a 31 year-old who no longer knows what she wants to be when she grows up.
Good bye dream, hello nightmare. Start spreading the news – they don’t write songs about this kind of New York cliché.
Great post! There’s nothing wrong with that actually, it’s called a career change. Happens every day. It’s the reason for night classes and fellowships. You’ve got too much going on above the neck for this to become a nightmare.
Sometimes our priorities just shift. You’ll always be an actor and you can always come back to it.
Figuring out what you want to create next is exciting. You have dreams in there, new exciting ones and they may not be job or career related. If you ever have a moment of Why, why did I spend so much time acting….think of all the wonderful things and people acting has brought into your life:)
I have tea and lots of transformational books at my house;) Welcome any time
I think it’s actually great that you’ve been able to move on from what was once your dream, it’s not an easy thing to do and, as you mentioned, it can really mess with your sense of identity.
I have literally no idea what I want to do when I grow up either, I guess just follow your passions and interests and see where that leads you!
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Thank you for sharing with us. It couldn’t have been easy, either to live through or to write about.
Do you have to let go of being an actor or just of the part where that’s what you do for a living? We have a strange relationship with the arts here, one where artists of all kinds are so undervalued that it’s an extraordinary and rare thing to be financially stable from one’s art alone. Can you keep your dream of being an actor and make it something you do outside of whatever it is you do for a living? Can the dream evolve so you don’t have to let go of your vocation?
Nooooo……don’t do it! don’t let the dream go. That will only add to the New York cliche’ “New York City is a town where dreams go to die”. I keep expecting to wake up some morning and seeing the little guy on NY1 interviewing you on a sundeck about the leading role in a new blockbuster. And I could say, “Hey! That’s Mary Lane. I know her, well, not know her but I read her blog.”
Besides, dreaming doesn’t take up any room in the apartment and is reasonably priced.
Tip recently posted…Little Steven and the Disciples of Soul
Loved this post! It’s sooooo hard to tell people that you’re not interested in pursuing acting anymore. Soon those pitying looks of “so you’re giving up?” start to morph in a new light as you realize that question reflects more on them and what they want to hear then on what you’re saying. You were never “just” an actor (nobody is), and dropping that particular career goal from your current narrative will leave more room for your other interests, passions and talents to shine.
Wowwwww. This is powerful and intense. How real. Thank you for sharing this life update. Things always move in mysterious ways! I know whatever your next journey is, it’s going to be amazing. From one “recovering actress” to another! <3
Meghan Sara recently posted…Currently… in May 2018
It’s very brave of you to put this own in type and even if you are a 31 year old with no idea what you’re going to do next – who cares? Most of us are, just not everybody is brave enough to admit it! Looking forward to seeing what does come next for you, I’m sure it will be great! x
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You never know, you might find a way to have acting in your life in another way. What’s your new dream? What will you be??
Awesome post! Thank you for providing us with such an informative post. So hard to do, but really helpful when we learn a proper way to do it!
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