Atrocities in Public Decorum: Fingernail Clipping in Whole Foods

Clip Clip Clip went her nail clippers in front of me.

Bang Bang Bang went his cell phone next to me.

I sat in the middle of Whole Foods on Bowery Street, sipping a Jamba Juice, transfixed by atrocities in public decorum.

STOP STOP STOP! Is this seriously happening?

The seating area in this Whole Foods is expansive but often crowded. After purchasing my Pumpkin Smash smoothie (sure to end its seasonal run any day now), I was pleased to find a comfortable spot available. A couch in their cafe seating area, surrounded by a couple of potted plants. The man on my left was nose deep in a serious looking book, the woman on the other end of the couch pouring over her cell phone. I sat down, opened my laptop, and figured I’d get some good writing done.

Lost in ideas, typical parentheticals, striving for witty quips, I was totally successful. So immersed I didn’t even notice the woman I was sharing my couch with get up and leave. I was close to two paragraphs when my peaceful writing sanctuary burst.

“I just downloaded games all day! I keep downloading these games. Don’t know what I’m doing with my life but I got all these games,” a man spoke loudly as he piled bags and coats onto the couch I was sitting on. It sounded like he was muttering to himself, but I looked up and saw he was accompanied by a woman. She wasn’t contributing much to the conversation though. “Motherfuckers keep getting me downloading this shit.”

You don’t expect M-F bombs at Whole Foods. Okay, maybe if you told a Whole Foods shopper that you prefer your eggs caged and your produce pesticide riddled. Maybe then you’d expect a shake of the head, a muttering of, “You’re a crazy motherfucker to not eat only organic strawberries.” Even then chances are the “motherfucker” would not be spoken aloud, just crystal clear in subtext.

I was jarred by the casual and continual use of such language, but this in NYC, it wasn’t enough to make me get up and leave my comfy seat. They’ll settle down, shut the fuck up, and the conducive-to-creativity atmosphere will resume. I was optimistic. This is NYC, a place I’ve called home for six years, and I’m still naive enough to be optimistic.

As soon as the man ceased uttering explosive language he was on his phone, playing a game with violent explosive sounds. You don’t play games with the sound on in public in this town. You just don’t do it. With 8 million people on such a small land mass, there’s just no space for this kind of thing. Everyone knows it, nobody does it. Except this weird motherfucker I was stuck sharing a couch with in Whole Foods.

The woman spoke, “Honey, do you want some tea? Are you hungry? Anything?”
“No I’m good,” came the reply over a round of machine gun sound effect. Up until this point I had only listened, trying to force myself back into my computer, away from distraction. From everything I had overheard of their interaction, it was clear these people were a couple. When I looked up I was surprised. She was kind of dumpy, looked maybe a decade older than him. He wasn’t bad looking, probably in his late 30s. He wore a baseball cap, she wore wire rimmed glasses. When she opened her mouth I looked up and noticed she had teeth missing.

She removed herself to a chair across from him, made herself comfortable while he stayed glued to his game. I settled back into my writing. Hooray.

Again I was a fool to hope. Because then this happened. Clip, Clip, Clip.

I looked up. She was sitting, a nail clipper pulled out on a key chain, clipping her fingernails.

Screen shot 2014-11-25 at 5.29.51 PM — And I whipped out my phone and snapped a shot! Photographic evidence- this REALLY happened! In Whole Foods!

In the middle of Whole Foods. In the middle of New York City. Even the few people who are jerks about turning off their cell phone sound don’t do that.

I had to laugh. My mind jumped immediately to, “This bitch has a boyfriend and I don’t!?” Hey, it gives you hope right? There’s someone for everyone goes the cliché. Boy does this story illustrate just that. I fully intend to use it at Thanksgiving dinner if my relationship status enters into the conversation. What I’m not sure is how exactly I’ll use it. Should I go with:

A. “See? There’s someone for everyone! I just haven’t found him yet! The guy who will love my quirks (which are so much better than public nail clipping!)!”

B. “SEE? PEOPLE IN NYC ARE CRAZY! THAT’S WHY I’M SINGLE.”

12 Professions I Wish to Date for Only the Most Selfish Reasons

Doctor, Lawyer, Banker: those are all the clichés. Let’s fantasize about my next boyfriend having a more modest (and realistic) profession.

1 Delivery Guy
I assume every time he came over he’d bring take-out with him. Or flowers! Picking between a flower delivery and a food delivery guy would be really hard!

2 Taxi Driver
Free rides all the time! I’d never be late again!

3 Accountant
You hate doing your taxes right? Well imagine having about 20 W-2 and 1099s each year: that’s my reality. I love the flexibility my freelance life gets me, but every April I curse myself for it and for not dating an accountant.

4 Stand-up Comedian
He could talk all about me in his set, I could right all about him in my blog, neither of us would take it too seriously, and it’d be perfect!

5 Blogger
I’d finally know what it’s like to date a blogger!

6 Photographer
He’d take pictures of me where ever we went and my blog would look so much prettier and I’d have way more than 350 Instagram followers and everything, even our love, would be photoshopped.

7 Dan Smith (of “Learn Guitar with Dan Smith” fame)
Any one who lives in New York has seen a Dan Smith poster.

I think learning to play guitar would help my career. But I don’t want to learn enough to pay for lessons…so the obvious solution is to date Dan Smith! He’s kinda cute in a non-threatening way.

8 Culinary Student

Their homework is to cook incredibly complicated and delicious meals. They have to practice that shit all the time.

9 Underwear Model
Because I could do my laundry on his washboard abs and never have to go to the cursed laundromat again!

10 Laundry Attendent
If my boyfriend was a laundry attendant, I wouldn’t have to worry about who was pawing my underwear when I do drop off! And maybe I’d actually dry clean like all those labels I ignore!

11 Dog Walker
All the puppy cuteness, NONE of the responsibility!

12 Masseuse
Having a man offer to give you a massage only to discover his fear that the slightest bit of pressure will break you is a huge disappointment. Ever since my first professional massage I’ve said I wanted to marry a masseuse (this is largely to to my love of alliteration as well).

November 11, 2014

The New York Festival of Light Transforms DUMBO

If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter (and if you do I ♥ you), you know I was in Boston this weekend for my cousin’s wedding (congrats Chris!). This means I missed an awesome NYC event, the first ever New York Festival of Light. Fortunately my friend Sage (you remember Sage) went and was kind enough to write this post for New York Cliché!

The New York Festival of Light is a free arts festival in New York City. In this, its inaugural year, it ran from November 6th to the 8th. The event took place right under the Manhattan Bridge in area of Brooklyn know as DUMBO. DUMBO is a New York City cliché [one that carries no association to a certain Disney elephant]. It’s an acronym for Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass.

This festival featured different types of light installations and works created by artists and lighting designers. The entire side of the Manhattan Bridge was their canvas; imagine how big these people had to think.

There was a laser light show, projections, performance art, sculptures and even a “light” based graffiti wall.

I found it all very thought provoking: These artists took huge structures, ones that we’re used to seeing daily, and by adding light they completely changed the way they’re experienced.

I waited until the last night for festival to go. About two thousand other people had the same idea. The reason the area is such a cliché for tourists (you will find an insane amount of them here, many taking wedding photos. No lie.) is due to the breathtaking views of Lower Manhattan.

It’s also a cliché for New Yorkers to get mad at these tourist for taking up all of the space. That’s right. All of it. As a result, the Festival of Light became so crowded that, for safety reasons, it was shut down.

Thankfully that was a half hour after I left.

This was the first year the Festival of Light was produced in New York City. Should you check it out next year? Yes. Definitely. It was a lot of fun. Just try not to go on the last day of the Festival. Or a weekend. Remember that the words “free” in New York City, usually means a very large crowd. I guess that’s a cliché anywhere.

Sage is New York City actor, writer and director. He often makes vlogs about the adventures he goes on. Check out his trip to the Festival of Light, here:

More information on the festival: http://nyfol.org/

Thanks, Sage for the blog, the vlog, and letting us live vicariously through you and your New York Festival of Light experience!

November 10, 2014November 10, 2014

33 Ways to Inspire Instantaneous Rage in a New Yorker

1 Stop in the middle of the subway stairs when you see the express train arriving.

2 Stand in the middle of the escalator so no one can pass you.

3 Bike on the sidewalk.

4 Belly ache about how much you walked today!

5 Ask us “When are you getting married/having kids/moving to the suburbs/surrendering to death?”

6 Or “Think you’ll ever move back to your hometown?”

7 “Do you like comedy?”

8 “Do you like to laugh?”

9 Or if we want to rent a bicycle by Central Park.

10 Pry at how much our rent is before you even know our last name.

11 Make us walk through Times Square. Ever.

12 If you make us walk through Times Square on a Saturday night, consider yourself dead to us.

13 Be a slow barista.

14 Look at us with disappointment, a look that says “And you call yourself a New Yorker?”, when we don’t know any better than you how to score SNL or Book of Mormon tickets.

15 Yell, “It’s SHOWTIME!”

16 Take us to dinner at Olive Garden.

17 Require medical attention while on the train. We’ll hope you’re okay, but we’ll also hate you for causing the entire subway system to shut down and making us crazy late.

18 Sit on the subway and play a game with the sound on. Our level of hatred will rise with every little warble your fucking phone makes.

19 Think you know this town because you did an internship here the summer after your sophomore year of college.

20 Charge more than one dollar for a mediocre slice of pizza.

21 Wait until the 3rd date, just when we’re really starting to like you, to tell us you live in New Jersey.

22 Make us see your 0ne-man, Off-Off Broadway show.

23 Or ever worse, your boyfriend’s one-man, Off-Off Broadway show.

24 Steal our cab.

25 Cut us in line.

26 Get the attention of the bartender immediately, after we’ve been trying fruitlessly for 5 minutes.

27 Tell us, “Sorry Happy Hour ended at 8!” when our watches read 8:02PM.

28 Have your birthday party in Bushwick.

29 Hold the door on the subway for your friends who are right behind you. We’d do the same thing, but that doesn’t stop us from hating you right now for holding up the train.

30 Suck face on the subway, spot lit in fluorescent lighting. Oh sure, we’ve all been there. But we’re not in a lip lock now and thus we think you’re disgusting.

31 Visit our town, stay with us in our tiny apartment, drag us to the Statue of Liberty, and beg us to take a bus tour with you. On a weekday.

32 Think Taylor Swift is the perfect representative of NYC.

33 Say anything along the lines of “I hate New York, I don’t now how you live here!”

What would you add to this list? And how many of these aren’t necessarily NYC specific?

Gifs courtesy of all my favorite NYC based shows: Sex and the City, How I Met Your Mother, Friends, 30 Rock, Girls, and Seinfeld

November 6, 2014November 7, 2014

Sesame Street and NYC at the Library of the Performing Arts

New York has always felt like home. I always felt like I belonged here. I never understood why until I visited an exhibit at the New York Public Library for the Performing Arts.

You see, there’s a Sesame Street exhibit at the Library for the Performing Arts, “Somebody Come and Play: 45 Years of Sesame Street Helping Kids Grow Smarter, Stronger, and Kinder”. Sounds like kid stuff doesn’t it? That may be, but I went and loved it and learned a whole lot. Even about myself!

The Sesame Street set is based off New York City. There’s a neighborhood: a brownstone with a stoop (maybe this was the beginning of my stoop love!), a corner store (calling it a “bodega” would’ve alienated the rest of the country), even a subway station (modeled after the 72nd 1-2-3 stop). It’s not a sterilized play land like most other children’s shows, there’s trash! You can’t get much more New York City than Oscar the Grouch, can you! Making Sesame Street look like a “realistic urban environment” was important to the shows creators.

My favorite part of the exhibit was learning all the shows inspirations from NYC and some of the many scenes and skits that were filmed on location in New York. It’s funny, when you look at Burt and Ernie as New York City renters, you’d never jump to the conclusion that they’re gay. They’re easily just two guys trying to save on rent!

Big Bird’s nest area was built and based off a 1960’s practice for taking old doors and turning them into construction fences. No five year old knows (or cares) that, but as an adult I find it gritty, fascinating, and an awesome lesson in recycle/reduce/reuse.

I loved Sesame Street as a kid. Watching it everyday, the neighborhood feels like your own, the characters feel like your friends. It’s designed so it all feels comfortable and like home. With such a strong basis off the city, I draw a hypothesis: Sesame Street made the actually city of New York feel like home to me, starting when I was age three. Think that’s crazy? It just seems to make sense!

I still love Sesame Street. Occasionally when I’m bored I’ll youtube clips of celebrities on Sesames Street. They’re usually hilarious! There was a whole part of the exhibit about celebrity guests on the show. My favorite is this one with the late Robin Williams.

This is a Sesame Street original that I can still, literally sing all the words to. It’ll pop into my head if I have to travel 40 blocks. It’s undeniably the only reason I could coins past 20 in kindergarten. Play for super-catchy 90s awesomeness, it’s even better than Shake It Off.

There are so many brilliant parodies that are clear over children’s heads. I remember think this skit called “Cereal Girl” was the coolest. I actually remember watching it as a five year old and wanting to be as cool as this muppet. I guess I really wanted to be as cool as Madonna, but I had no idea who she or her song “Material Girl” was.

Did you know that Sesame Street has been so effective in educating children that it’s been produced in over 40 countries? That’s not surprising. What surprised me was that each country has it’s own set of characters! They don’t just have Elmo and Grover speaking another language, the who cast and set is built to fit the country it is shown in.

sesame-street-exhibit-ireland-cast — These are the muppets from the Irish version of the show. So different!

I highly recommend this exhibit to anyone who has a soft place in their heart for Sesame Street. If you have kids, it’s a no brainer. You have to go. They will have a blast, learn a thing or two, and so will you! There are enough interactive exhibits and activities to keep even a ADHD three year old happy. This exhibit runs through Jan 31st so you have plenty of time. Visit the NYPL website for more info.

Did you watch Sesame Street as a kid? Do you have a skit you still remember to this day? Grover is my favorite Sesame Street muppet, who’s yours? Share below!

November 4, 2014November 5, 2014

11 Reasons Why I’d be a Better New York Ambassador than Taylor Swift

Last week Taylor Swift was named the Global Ambassador to New York City. This left a lot of people scratching their heads- Taylor Swift? Really? I love Taylor Swift, I do. “Shake It Off” Pandora is my new favorite station, I have no shame in admitting it! She’s a great singer, a charming performer, talented song writer. She’s beautiful and her personality seems adorable. But Global Ambassador to New York? Nope. Sorry, I don’t get it.

Maybe I’m just jealous.

Can you blame me?

It’s a bit strange that NYC would choose a 20-something white girl to be their ambassador. They decided to go for the cute, leggy, blonde, quirky type? Okay, fine. But if that’s the direction they decided with, WHY didn’t they give ME a call? I fit that description to a TEE!

new york cliche — TO A TEE! Right? I am just as cute, blonde, and quirky as Taylor Swift! [photo credit: Matt Harvey]

I’ll never be a better singer than Taylor, never a better song writer. There are a million things Taylor Swift has over me, including her 20 million Tribeca apartment. But I know I’d be a hell of a better Global Ambassador to New York. I probably don’t even need to argue my case, but I’m going to:

11 Reasons Why I Should be Global Ambassador to New York over Taylor Swift

1) I’ve lived in New York for 6 years. Taylor has lived here for 6 months. She moved into her Tribeca apartment in May 2014. She moved in May! That means she’s never endured a single New York winter!

2) You can claim to love NY all you want, but if you haven’t lived here in January-March, you’re still in the honey-moon period. Will you still be able to extol NYC’s praises when the city is freezing and dirty snow piles up in every cross walk, Taylor? I’ve made it through SIX New York winters! I still love this city when it’s disgusting out and my feet are wet from the inevitable puddles!

new york cliche winter — Winters here are brutal. It’s much harder to be cute and quirky in freezing temps, how do we know Taylor can do it?? [photo credit: John Michael Decker]

3) I take the subway. Every day. I have an unlimited Metrocard. Ask any New Yorker what they dislike most about this city and 9 times out of 10 they will roll their eyes and say “The fucking MTA!” Our common suffering with the subway unites us as New Yorkers. Taylor Swift has maybe taken the subway. Once. As a publicity stunt. She’s certainly never cried on the subway, or vomited, or seen something disgusting. If she had, would she still love New York and want to welcome you to it? Important question!

4) So Taylor may know what a “bodega” is. She may know how to pronounce “Houston”. But does she understand what “SHOWTIME!” means? What about “Halal”? I do! (I can also read off a cue card more convincingly, thanks to my Theater BA.)

5) Yesterday Taylor Swift announced her world tour for her new album. Yay! Great! Fun for all her fans! But for the Global Ambassador of New York to announce she’s up and leaving for the road not a week after she’s appointed to the position? SERIOUSLY? This is why you can’t trust someone who has lived here for only spring and summer! They bail as soon as the autumn chill hits!

6) “Welcome to New York” is a great song. Good job, Tay. Taylor Swift has written one great about New York. I’ve written over 300 blog posts about New York. How many of them are great? I couldn’t tell you, but it’s totes more than one.

thisisNYsquare — I have enough NYC material to fill a book. Maybe even two. [photo credit: Matt Harvey]

7) Here are some of the lyrics in “Welcome to New York”:

Like any great love
It keeps you guessing
Like any real love
It’s ever changing
Like any true love
It drives you crazy
But you know you wouldn’t change Anything, anything, anything…

Now I totally agree with all of those lines on describing one’s love of New York. Until the last one. Come on, we’d all change stuff about our true loves if we could! If we could we’d change their cup/peen size, net worth, annoying-as-fuck mother. Same with NYC. If we could we’d change the MTA, real estate prices, the line at Trader Joe’s.

Shouldn’t the Global Ambassador romanticize New York, but also keep it real?

nyc-balloons — It’s not all sunshine and rainbow balloons! [photo credit: John Michael Decker]

8) Taylor Swift is known for writing songs about her former beaus. I’m known for blogging about mine. We really have a lot in common, TSwift and I. But has Taylor ever dated a New York man? Maybe she has, but there’s no way she’s dated as many as I have! There’s no way you understand the ridiculousness of dating in this town like I do, T! I could teach you, and the global world, a thing or two!

9) More things in common? We both love cats. However, I don’t take my cat out for walks on the city streets. How can the Global Ambassador of New York encourage such behavior?? This is an epidemic of cats hit by cabs waiting to happen.

taylorswiftcat — Taylor has seriously taken her cat out like this, several times. Cray, Tay, this isn’t safe in NYC! via

10) Has anyone heard Taylor Swift drop an F-bomb? She sure keeps them out of her songs. Ooo! Here’s a blog post she wrote in January about not swearing! How can the Global Ambassador of NEW YORK FUCKING CITY be known for her squeaky clean mouth? What the fuck?

11) Did Tay Tay vote in New York City today? Nope, according to Instagram, she’s in Tokyo! Hopefully she voted absentee, still I highly doubt she’s registered in NYC. She has houses in California and Nashville, my money’s that she’s registered in one of those states. Where am I registered? NYC baby! And yep, I totally voted today! Hope you did too!

nyc-i-voted — NYC has the best “I voted” stickers [photo credit: selfie!]

Oh well, even if I shoulda been, I was never in the running. Congrats, Taylor Swift, on your global ambassadorship. I hope you make us proud. I’m gonna take my jealousy and just Shake Shake Shake It Off.

November 3, 2014November 3, 2014

Pros and Cons for Running the NYC Marathon

Yesterday thousands of runners braved cold temperatures, high winds, 26.2 miles, to cross the finish line of the New York City Marathon. Today you see many of them walking (or in some cases limping) around midtown, proudly wearing their medals. For the millions of New Yorkers who did not run the marathon, today we may find ourselves so inspired we entertain the thought, “Maybe I should do it next year!”

My list of pros and cons:

Pro #1: The NY Marathon runs through all 5 boroughs. You get to see the whole city in one race!

Con #1: It starts in Staten Island. No Manhattan ~~snob~~ dweller ever signs up to go to Staten Island! Especially at the ass-crack of dawn! Yuck!

Pro #2: The feeling of camaraderie with fellow runners. You’re all in this together, you’re all working for the same goal!

Con #2: It is not common to loose bowel/bladder control while running a marathon. You better feel comfortable running in this crowd because that is the only way you will keep going (and not die of embarrassment) after shitting your pants in public.

Pro #3: The discipline of training, running every day in order to reach 26.2 miles would be really good for me.

Con #3: Running daily would generate a lot of laundry, I don’t have laundry in my building, and I never have time to do laundry these days so it would be even more impossible if I’m running at least an hour every day!

Pro #4: Maybe I’d meet a cute guy who is also training for the marathon and we’d have so much in common. It happened to Miranda on Sex and the City!

Con#4: If you have to get up super early to go running, that means there’s no time for cuddling…or other morning couple activities…

Pro #5: My father used to run marathons, it would be nice to continue a family tradition. I could get advice from him, plus I have the genetics for it- “a runner’s body”.

Con #5: 20 years ago my dad had to get knee surgery, likely from running on pavement for so many years. He needs surgery again, but he’s very stubborn about getting it so much of the time he walks around with a cane. Maybe this has nothing to actually do with his running history, but it still scares me.

Pro #6: I’d get in amazing shape, gain muscle and lose fat. My legs would look INCREDIBLE.

Con #6: What if my legs got too muscular? Okay, that’s not a legitimate con. The legitimate con is that it’s very easy to injure yourself while running and right now I have really mediocre health insurance.

Pro #7: Streets are shut down for the marathon. It would be awesome to run for miles and miles in the middle of New York City streets.

Con #7: Everyone runs in a huge pack, it looks like a claustrophobic nightmare. What if I had to slow down? Would everyone hate me/trample me?

Pro #8: I’m 28, that seems like the perfect age to run a marathon. My body is young (enough), I’m healthy, I should take advantage of that now!

Con #8: The people who run marathons in more advanced years are SO COOL! Plenty of seniors run the race and they are unbelievably inspiring. Maybe I should just wait until I can be an awesome old lady, giving the finger to my advancing years by running my first marathon…

Pro #9: Carbo-loading before the big day sounds really fun.

Con #9: Vomiting during a marathon is even more common than shitting your pants. Plus all the weird gels and protein bars your supposed to eat during the race are kinda gross.

Pro #10: If I ran the NY Marathon, I’d feel the whole city cheering me on. New York City feels like such a community when the marathon rolls around. Every one is a little friendlier, people are more apt to talk to strangers, there’s a positive mood in the air that’s down right magical.

the-35-best-signs-from-the-nyc-marathon-1-18200-1383592658-9_big — via

Well, looks like there are more pros than cons! I’d better start training!

Maybe tomorrow…

Wait! How could I forget! NIPPLE CHAFFING! That is a thing and it is DEFINITELY a con! Never mind! With equal pros and cons I’m out! I’ll remain supporting from the sidelines!

Congrats to all marathoners! You all are such inspirations and you should be immensely proud!
(I really do hope to run one someday, but that health insurance Con #6 is really no joke!)