Last week Taylor Swift was named the Global Ambassador to New York City. This left a lot of people scratching their heads- Taylor Swift? Really? I love Taylor Swift, I do. “Shake It Off” Pandora is my new favorite station, I have no shame in admitting it! She’s a great singer, a charming performer, talented song writer. She’s beautiful and her personality seems adorable. But Global Ambassador to New York? Nope. Sorry, I don’t get it.
Maybe I’m just jealous.
Can you blame me?
It’s a bit strange that NYC would choose a 20-something white girl to be their ambassador. They decided to go for the cute, leggy, blonde, quirky type? Okay, fine. But if that’s the direction they decided with, WHY didn’t they give ME a call? I fit that description to a TEE!
I’ll never be a better singer than Taylor, never a better song writer. There are a million things Taylor Swift has over me, including her 20 million Tribeca apartment. But I know I’d be a hell of a better Global Ambassador to New York. I probably don’t even need to argue my case, but I’m going to:
1) I’ve lived in New York for 6 years. Taylor has lived here for 6 months. She moved into her Tribeca apartment in May 2014. She moved in May! That means she’s never endured a single New York winter!
2) You can claim to love NY all you want, but if you haven’t lived here in January-March, you’re still in the honey-moon period. Will you still be able to extol NYC’s praises when the city is freezing and dirty snow piles up in every cross walk, Taylor? I’ve made it through SIX New York winters! I still love this city when it’s disgusting out and my feet are wet from the inevitable puddles!
3) I take the subway. Every day. I have an unlimited Metrocard. Ask any New Yorker what they dislike most about this city and 9 times out of 10 they will roll their eyes and say “The fucking MTA!” Our common suffering with the subway unites us as New Yorkers. Taylor Swift has maybe taken the subway. Once. As a publicity stunt. She’s certainly never cried on the subway, or vomited, or seen something disgusting. If she had, would she still love New York and want to welcome you to it? Important question!
4) So Taylor may know what a “bodega” is. She may know how to pronounce “Houston”. But does she understand what “SHOWTIME!” means? What about “Halal”? I do! (I can also read off a cue card more convincingly, thanks to my Theater BA.)
5) Yesterday Taylor Swift announced her world tour for her new album. Yay! Great! Fun for all her fans! But for the Global Ambassador of New York to announce she’s up and leaving for the road not a week after she’s appointed to the position? SERIOUSLY? This is why you can’t trust someone who has lived here for only spring and summer! They bail as soon as the autumn chill hits!
6) “Welcome to New York” is a great song. Good job, Tay. Taylor Swift has written one great about New York. I’ve written over 300 blog posts about New York. How many of them are great? I couldn’t tell you, but it’s totes more than one.
7) Here are some of the lyrics in “Welcome to New York”:
Like any great love
It keeps you guessing
Like any real love
It’s ever changing
Like any true love
It drives you crazy
But you know you wouldn’t change Anything, anything, anything…
Now I totally agree with all of those lines on describing one’s love of New York. Until the last one. Come on, we’d all change stuff about our true loves if we could! If we could we’d change their cup/peen size, net worth, annoying-as-fuck mother. Same with NYC. If we could we’d change the MTA, real estate prices, the line at Trader Joe’s.
Shouldn’t the Global Ambassador romanticize New York, but also keep it real?
8) Taylor Swift is known for writing songs about her former beaus. I’m known for blogging about mine. We really have a lot in common, TSwift and I. But has Taylor ever dated a New York man? Maybe she has, but there’s no way she’s dated as many as I have! There’s no way you understand the ridiculousness of dating in this town like I do, T! I could teach you, and the global world, a thing or two!
9) More things in common? We both love cats. However, I don’t take my cat out for walks on the city streets. How can the Global Ambassador of New York encourage such behavior?? This is an epidemic of cats hit by cabs waiting to happen.
10) Has anyone heard Taylor Swift drop an F-bomb? She sure keeps them out of her songs. Ooo! Here’s a blog post she wrote in January about not swearing! How can the Global Ambassador of NEW YORK FUCKING CITY be known for her squeaky clean mouth? What the fuck?
11) Did Tay Tay vote in New York City today? Nope, according to Instagram, she’s in Tokyo! Hopefully she voted absentee, still I highly doubt she’s registered in NYC. She has houses in California and Nashville, my money’s that she’s registered in one of those states. Where am I registered? NYC baby! And yep, I totally voted today! Hope you did too!
Oh well, even if I shoulda been, I was never in the running. Congrats, Taylor Swift, on your global ambassadorship. I hope you make us proud. I’m gonna take my jealousy and just Shake Shake Shake It Off.