Over the weekend I visited the American Museum of Natural History (AMNH) with an awesome tour company. In the museum tour world of buttoned up tweed and pleated slacks, Museum Hack is the rebel in a leather jacket and ripped jeans. With a bicep tattoo inked Museums Are Fucking Awesome.
I didn’t make that up, it’s the actual Museum Hack motto.
This bad ass tour is not afraid to break all the rules.
Rules You Learn the First Time You Visit A Museum
Rule #1: NO RUNNING.
Rule #2: INSIDE VOICES.
Okay, not all of them. There was still no running, no yelling, but Rule #3? The most difficult, most maddening rule to follow on the field trips of your youth? You know what I’m talking about:
Rule #3: NO POINTING AT PENISES.
We broke Rule #3 every step of the way on the incredibly informative and entertaining tour of AMNH with Museum Hack.
We didn’t stop at pointing. We discussed genitalia in intricate scientific detail. We squinted at giant dinosaur fossils and speculated on the penises that might have been. We held up pictures of various objects – weiner dogs, french baguettes – and tried to surmise the size of various specimens in the collection.
We didn’t stop at penises. The tour itself was not actually penile-centric. You might say the range of natural history sexuality we explored was wider than a blue whale’s vagina. (Yes, the museum’s iconic whale model is, in fact, female.) I just wanted to get your attention! Yelling PENIS a bunch , forcing you to remember awkward field trips, and mentioning whale vagina does the trick!
Now that I have your attention, let me give you all the deets of this ridiculous-yet-educational, funny-cause-it’s-true, all around super-fun tour!
Museum Hack prides themselves on making everyone – including people who hate museums – have a fucking blast inside a museum. The pace of every tour is fast, the focus is on story telling, and it’s interactive in a way that’s fun, not obnoxious (promise). Tour guides only tell you about things they’ve personally studied and found intriguing which makes the whole thing brilliantly personal and unique.
Our tour guides, Zak and Kelly were fantastic (and totally as crush-worthy as the characters on Saved By the Bell, yet another throw back to school field trips!) Both so friendly and full of genuine energy, they made a great team.
In the hands of pretty much anyone else, this tour could have been awkward and uncomfortable. We were talking about animal kingdom sex and mating rituals while little museum-going children ran around our group in all directions! As a group, we had to get comfortable and close real fast. Zak and Kelly were awesome at facilitating this. I mean, just the nature of the beast helped too: you have to be pretty fucking cool if you choose to take a museum tour titled:
The Mating Game: Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll at AMNH
This was our group. See? So fucking cool none of us were afraid to pose like birds attempting a mating dance.
Aren’t you dying to know about the flamboyant mating dances of birds? Would you guess that the origins of the Say Anything iconic boombox can be traced back to ancient tribes? Surprised to learn crocodiles are the hopeless romantics of the animal kingdom? Have you ever stayed up at night wondered what happened to humans’ baculums (penis bones)? And what makes a raccoon’s baculum fashionable AF?
Guys, I know the answers to all these questions and that’s just the tip of the baculum. I learned so many weird, interesting, bizarre, and a couple kinda gross things on this Museum Hack tour. Even some juicy Natural History Museum founder gossip!
Henceforth I’ll be a DELIGHT at dinner parties and dates- I intend to insert as much of this knowledge into everyday conversation as humanly possible!
You’re totally jealous, I can feel it. BUT YOU NEEDN’T BE! If you’re in NYC next weekend, you too can go on this amazing tour! An incredible Valentine’s and/or Galentine’s date with the nerd you love the most.
Talk about the opposite of lame Valentine’s Day cliché! Hey, the tour even includes a glass of wine at the museum cafe, making this the classiest animal sex talk you’ll find in all of New York City! Maybe even the world!
Now, if this tour sounds too raunchy for you, or your SO’s mom is visiting next weekend and you need something more PG, don’t worry, Museum Hack has plenty of other tours that aren’t all about sex! Find them on their website: museumhack,com
Thanks Museum Hack and guides Zak and Kelly (if you read this say hi!) for such a wacky, brilliant, sexy museum experience!