Sunday was really hard for us only children.
Sunday April 10th was National Siblings Day. Every one and their sister posted adorable, loving pictures on social media. We stood on the outskirts of the playground watching you all have fun, “I want to play too! Why is no one paying attention to me? HOW I’M I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIS!?”
While you were on the phone with all your siblings, we sat in our rooms playing by ourselves: trying to come up with a post that would get us attention but not make us the #AllLivesMatter equivalent of National Siblings Day.
After posting something on social media, we sat at our computer pouting, “It’s not fair! Why isn’t there an National Only Child Day! It’s not fair!!” Then we asked our mommies to Google it for us and discovered, YES!!! EVERYTHING WE WERE RAISED TO BELIEVE WASN’T A LIE! WE ARE SPECIAL! Turns out National Only Child Day is April 12!
That’s TOMORROW! Thank God. I don’t think I could’ve lasted much longer without having MY day. MINE! MY day! MINE MINE MINE! I’m really excited. I have lots of really special plans for how to celebrate!
Ideas for Celebrating National Only Child Day 2016!
Wear a Tiara
If you’re really honest with yourself, you feel naked with out it. THAT’S the REAL reason you’re kinda a loner: constantly feeling naked in social settings is a true BURDEN.
Visit Your Pony
Because all only children have ponies. Duh.
Reunite with your pony and ride him from the dawn of National Only Child Day to dusk, shouting through the villages and towns, “I HAVE A PONY, BITCHES!” Make all those nerds with siblings so jelly it HURTS.
Catch Up With Your Imaginary Friend
Because BIFFs! Best Imaginary Friends Forever!
Your roommates will think you’re starting a vlog (which you really should do because you’re so unique/special/perfect and the world really deserves more of you) but really you’re Skyping with your BIFFs! If you feel like you’ve grown apart and have nothing to talk about these days, ask them if they’ve ever creeped on you having sex. That’ll bring up some giggles and good stories!
Wait By the Mailbox for All Your Presents
Like there wouldn’t be presents on Only Child Day? As if!
You can count on a care package from Mom that’s even more epic than the one’s she usually sends every week! Grandma and Grampa will totally step it up with their checkbook because they’re so proud of you and your beautiful tiara!
Don’t Talk or Think About ANYONE Else All Day
Because the world revolves around YOU! DUH! Like I even have to say it!
Write a Think Piece About How All the Stereotypes About Only Children Are Totally Unfair and Untrue
Because there’s nothing more painful than people believing stereotypes when the reality is you’re perfect. Like, literally fucking perfect. People just need to accept and understand this.
May your Only Child Day be as perfect, beautiful, and special as you are, my fellow only children!
All y’all with siblings? Your time day come and GONE! SUCK IT!
(And by that I mean I’m just jealous. Duhhhhhh.)