Why Am I Still Single? I’m SO Glad You Asked!

“Why are you still single?”

Ask me this question and I’ll have several involuntary reactions:

1. My face contorts. Maybe it looks like I’m suppressing a fart. What I’m really doing is attempting not to blurt out, “FUCK YOU FOR ASKING.”

2. My hands itch. I begin to fidget or perhaps start picking my finger nails. This will make me look nervous. Really I’m trying to find something to occupy my hands to keep from slapping you across the face.

3. My eyes go glassy. I can’t focus. My mind is a blur of thoughts.  How am I supposed to answer such a clichéd question? Seriously, is there a more clichéd question than this? Is there a single single person on the planet who does not loathe this question? Are you trying to make me feel shitty about myself? Has anyone in the history of the world had a good answer for this?

hatehello
I hate this question as much as I hate the costumed characters in Times Square. [photo credit: Matt Harvey]
You want an answer? Fine! I’ll give you an answer!

I’m still single because I have weird pheromones! They scientifically only attract bohemian man-children! I’ll never meet Mr. Right!

Not good enough for you? Fine!

I’m still single because I’m  funny! Dudes don’t like dating girls who are funnier than them! I’d rather die alone than have no one laugh at my jokes!

You think I’m joking? FINE.

I’m still single because I have a blog where I write about my personal life! Men don’t date me because they’re terrified I’ll make their shitty fashion choices known to the whole internet! I refuse to abandon my blog- BRING ON SPINSTERHOOD.

cat lady spinster
I’m ready for you spinsterhood! Cat? Check! Asexual attire? Check!

I know I should just lie, that’s probably what the inquirer wants me to do. Supply a simple answer like: I’m focusing on my career. I just haven’t found “The One” yet!

But I can’t.

Asking me why I’m single is like asking me why I exist. The question sends me into an existential crisis. I could philosophize on an answer for hours. Sometimes I do. Why is it so hard for me to find someone I want to commit to? Some people make it look so easy!  Jesus, that girl has a boyfriend and I don’t? What’s wrong with me? I’ve never been with a man who truly “got” me. Is that my fault or theirs? I’ve never been madly in love. Don’t I deserve to be? What if it never happens?? Are my expectations too high? I can’t help but wonder– OMG that’s it! I’m still single because I want to be Carrie Bradshaw! Yes! I’m not gonna meet Mr. Big until I’m in my 30s! That’s all! I knew I’d find the answer eventually! MYSTERY SOLVED!

Carrie Bradshaw Wannabe
Such a Carrie Bradshaw wannabe. [photo credit: Matt Harvey]
Why am I still single? Oh, lots of reasons. Some are good. (I’m an introvert by nature, I crave solitude. It takes a real special guy to make me prefer spending my nights with him rather than having them to myself.)  Some are bad. (The last guy broke my heart. I found amazing closure on the whole thing but a bit of resulting commitment-phobia is only natural.) Some that it would probably take hours of therapy to uncover. (Don’t worry, we’re not going there.)

From henceforth when ever any one asks why I’m still single they can expect a complete dramatic reading of this post. Perhaps accompanied by an interpretive dance. “Why am I single? Oh, I can’t wait to tell you!”

Single readers: How do you answer this question? Coupled readers: how did you answer it once upon a time?

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[feature photo credit: John Michael Decker]

About New York Cliche

NYC lifestyle blog by Mary Lane. Events, adventures, epic mistakes, dating, life, humor. A 20-something trying to make it (and make out) in the city of dreams.

27 thoughts on “Why Am I Still Single? I’m SO Glad You Asked!

  1. I never understand why this is even a question. “Why are you still single?” Is like asking someone “Why did you decide to wear pants this morning?” Its a wholly unnecessary question.

    Just do your thing. You’re cute and young and obviously intelligent. Forget everything else.

    1. Hahaha love the “Why did you decide to wear pants this morning?” question comparison. I will absolutely take your advice- doing my own thing is what I do best 🙂

  2. Great Post! People ask why you are single and as soon as you are dating ask when you are getting married and as soon as you are engaged asking when you are having children – YIKES – RUUUUNNNNN!!! Happy Week 🙂

  3. I am Fed Ex-ing you twenty more Cats, I’m afraid just one won’t cut it. Henceforth, simply respond to the question with whatever difficulties you are having finding names appropriate to their unique personalities, & maybe a brief story about who coughed up a hair ball on the carpet this morning. Alas, this will not solve the bohemian man child problem (it may, in fact, exacerbate it), but hey, best not to try & solve ALL one’s problems with a single action, no?

    1. Aw Brian, you are the sweetest! So thoughtful. Just send the cats to my PO box. I look forward to their arrival and I’ll make a youtube video of their naming ceremonies 😀

  4. “Why are you a rude asshole?” would also work. Or “why did you choose to settle?” Because only people compensating for something ask questions like that (my relationship sucks and is miserable, so why dont you join me…)

    1. You’re so good at telling it like it is. I’ll let you know how it goes if I ever use the reply “Why are you a rude asshole?”- imagine it’ll make a great blog post

  5. I seem to be single because I have the I have pheromones that attract the bohemian man child who works in production and has delusional fantasies about being Hunter S. Thompson problem.

    I’m sure it would be very romantic in a tragic sort of way in a movie or sitcom, but this is real life and that shit don’t fly no more.

    I also seem to have the but he lives and works in New Jersey problem.

    This is the one when you meet a guy that meets all the criteria of a great boyfriend, but it’s like pulling teeth to get either one of you to traverse the Hudson River because with the exception of each other, neither of you have a reason to actually be on the other side of the river on any regular basis, so you give up before you actually get to know each other because… Fuck the Hudson River.

    1. UGH! That’s so annoying! Different boroughs is bad enough but different states? AH! Hope he gets with the “New York is awesome how the fuck can I not live there” program STAT

      1. Yeah… and the worst part is if you map it out by car, it’s like a 15-20 minute drive (provided the GWB is moving) so geographically, it’s closer than Brooklyn… but when you start looking at the public transit options it’s kinda like, UGH… I’ve either got to go to Port Authority to take one bus or transfer busses twice out of GWB.

    1. Right? @cravesadventure made the point above that people frequently ask couples “When are you having kids?” and that’s even worse! Questions like this should never, ever be small talk and it’s kinda insane that they often are.

  6. La fille que j’aimera
    Sera comme bon vin
    Qui se bonifiera
    Un peu chaque matin.
    — Jacques Brel

    1. So I took french in high school… this is what I get sans google search:
      The girl what I [some-word-derived-from-love]
      [Something?] like good wine
      Who [umm…cognative for bonafide?]
      A little [something] morning

    2. Ah ha! Yay google and Ground Hog Day! But I really didn’t do too bad on my own! 🙂

      “The girl that I will love
      Will be like good wine
      Which will improve
      A bit each morning”

  7. As discussed on twitter, I friggin’ hate this question. I tried “because I haven’t sampled enough yet” and was told I sounded like a slut, even though I’d wittily repeated the answer a guy’d given 2 seconds prior *sigh*
    I tried “because guys are douches” or “haven’t found the one yet” and was told I am far too picky and would die alone if I kept looking out for a Jesus replica (no joke. Someone actually said that to me lol)

    Moral of the story is when the time is right, he’ll be right at your side to save you from ever answering that dumb ass question

    BLEURGH – http://www.bleurghnow.com

  8. “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.” -Oscar Wilde. I can see you take this to heart. Kudos.

    When I’m asked this question, my response is always “Shouldn’t you be asking the last girl I hit on?”

  9. i’m glad that you’re single!
    By staying single, you’re making some lucky man very happy without his knowing it!

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