33 Reasons Why I Should Never Work A Desk Job

  1. I can’t say no to free coffee.

  2. Too much coffee makes me jittery.

  3. If complementary coffee is not offered at the office, I am outraged.

  4. If anyone ever brings donuts to the office, I will eat all of them.

  5. If any free snacks are offered, I will attempt to make meals out of them. Soon my diet will become 3 granola bars for breakfast and 3 packets of pretzels and a banana for lunch.

  6. In my mind, sitting in a cubicle is comparable to getting sent to the SHU in Orange Is the New Black.

  7. I believe data entry should only be required as a punishment for petty crimes.

  8. Eight times is my limit for answering the phone with the same phrase “Good afternoon, [name of business]”.
    On the 10th time it’ll come out “Gort afftin, [nogen dif boogerhaus]”.
    11th time [Guzz offenport, [napt eeg bratworz].
    And so on..

  9. After a certain amount of time in the phone, I start trying out different dialects. Cockney. Redneck. Slavic. Etc, etc.

  10. I’m too old to paint my nails with liquid paper.

  11. I type at the speed of approximately 10 words a minute. People who have lost all their fingers type faster than me.

  12. When ever I wear business professional attire I feel like a government spy who’s alias is “Mary Lane” and my whole life I’m actually just pretending to be my sassy, hopeless romantic self.

  13. The last time I used Microsoft Word, I asked the paperclip guy for help.

  14. I will use the company copy machine to print out programs for every show my artistic friends are ever involved in.

  15. There are currently 3,345 unread emails in my personal gmail account. No, that is in not an exaggeration. Yes, I’m slightly ashamed.

  16. I will go through post-it notes so fast you’d think they were toilet paper. 90% of post-it note usage will be dedicated to creative inspiration and doodles that have nothing to do with my work.

  17. Is there a name, like “seasonal depression”, for the feelings of hopelessness brought on my sitting at a desk all day? Because what ever that’s called, I’m super susceptible to it.

  18. If my boss asks me to transcribe and type up an ultra sensitive and personal letter, I’ll do it and then blog about it.

  19. Videos of cute animals on Youtube bring me 78% less joy than 96% of others in my gender and age bracket.

  20. None of my close friends are on gchat all hours of the work day.

  21. Routine makes me feel like nothing interesting or exciting will ever happen to me again and like I’m stuck in a perpetual motion machine.

  22. I still get joy from spinning a desk chair around in circles.

  23. None of my work-appropriate clothes will fit after the 15 lbs I gain from being sedentary all day.

  24. Also, I eat when I’m bored.

  25. I don’t want to gain 15 lbs, I don’t want to feel like a freshman in college ever again.

  26. I will get painfully jealous any time someone in the office gets delivered flowers.

Office flowers and plants

  1. If I do not receive a flower delivery on Valentine’s Day and/or my birthday, I will spend more time in the bathroom crying than working that day.

  2. I’m horrible at responding to emails- just ask my mom, aunt, best friend, and boss.

  3. I will be unable to resist an office romance. It will of course end horribly and I’ll be back in the torturous, agonizing, fiery pits of Hell again.


  1. The only time I am detail-oriented is when I’m trying to get every single piece of cat hair off a little black dress.

  2. I always lose pens. I know this because every month when I need to write a rent check, I can never find a pen. Maybe my cat eats them?

  3. My organizational skills amount to me shoving things in different drawers.

  4. I would rather be chased by rabid dogs, face Antarctica in a bikini, hell, I would rather wait tables than sit at a desk all day.


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About New York Cliche

NYC lifestyle blog by Mary Lane. Events, adventures, epic mistakes, dating, life, humor. A 20-something trying to make it (and make out) in the city of dreams.

14 thoughts on “33 Reasons Why I Should Never Work A Desk Job

  1. I am constantly spinning in my chair and eating. There is a surveillance camera that is positioned in my area, so I guess its a good thing that I work for another company within the office in which I work. 🙂 Thanks for the laugh.

    1. hahaha that’s awesome. Bet you make all the employees of the company you are not part of jealous. I think I saw you on the Blogging 201 commons? Yay challenge! We’re in it together! (unless I’m grossly mistaken, in which case OOPS/sorry!)

  2. Lovely mix of wit and truth. (I too have suffered in offices before I gave them up forever.)

    1. If you knew how happy that fact that you commented on the post made me, you’d write them all the time. Conversely, maybe if I realize how happy watching animal videos makes you, maybe I’ll watch them all the time?

  3. I’m with you on this. I wish gmail would just mark read the thousands of emails I have not read and clearly will never be reading.

    Good afternoon, thank you for calling Alexandria gmc Buick Pontiac Mitsubishi. This is Amanda speaking, how may I direct your call?
    That was 9 years ago. Never again.

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