The Truth is I’m Not Doing So Well

Ways to tell I’m massively preoccupied/consumed with anxiety/I’m not doing so well:

1. I take a shower and forget to shampoo my hair. Stuck with gross, greasy hair for the rest of the day makes nothing better.

2. I forget to put on deodorant. See above, though this one’s worse because I can’t just put a hat on.

3. Calls go unanswered. I might be avoiding my friends.

4. My room looks like it’s been ransacked, it’s only me sleeping there so who cares?

5. I binge watch holocaust movies. If I compare it to The Pianist, my life is mother-f-ing swell!

6. I neglect my blog. See this past week.

7. I go down stairs to get the mail and end up locking myself out of my apartment.

The first six I’ve done before, the last one? That’s a new one. That was bad. That was yesterday.

I’ve been waiting on a $3,000 check to come in the mail. It’s been driving me crazy. I made this sizable sum of money over a month ago but I have yet to see it. My bank account is demoralizing, seriously so. I barely scraped together rent for October and since then it’s been a strict broke-ass diet of eggs and dollar pizza. Not cute. Every day I hope that check will be in my mailbox. Yesterday, I didn’t work until evening. Having no money, there aren’t too many things to do in NYC. Thus I was home mid-day. I decided to check the mail in the vain hope my deus ex machina check had arrived.

Still wearing my pajamas, I threw a dress over boxer shorts. Appropriate just-checking-the-mail attire. I slipped on slip-on shoes, grabbed the mail key, and ran down the five flights of stairs. Open the mail box: no check. Damn. Disappointment quickly turns into horror. I left the apartment with only the mail key! All other keys are still hanging behind a locked door! Oh my god, I’m an IDIOT.

I burst into tears. It’s always something like this. The cliché straw that breaks the camel’s back. After weeks of pretending I’m fine, I realize I’m not. It takes locking myself out of my apartment wearing a sleeveless dress displaying my can’t-remember-the-last-time-I-shaved legs, striped boxer shorts bunched underneath. No money, no phone; nothing but an issue of Time Out New York, a solicitation from the NY Food Bank and the damn mail key in my possession.

I wiped my eyes with the Food Bank solicitation and thought, Fuck this. I’m not happy with my life. La vie Boheme, a lover who is so romantic and intriguing at the beginning. But we’re out of the honey-moon phase now, it’s becoming clear this metaphoric relationship is headed for Splitsville.

So what the hell did I do locked out of my apartment at 2pm? Well, I am insanely lucky because four of my good friends live right across the street. They are each enduring their own struggles with la vie Boheme (quite the neighborhood slut she is). Thus they were home mid-day too and able to console my whimpering self. I sat, cried, and drank tea. I was able to contact my roommate so I could get her keys.

It takes locking myself out of my apartment to realize 1. I have amazing friends and 2. I need to make some life changes. Oh what a daunting task. Any advice? Wish me luck?

About New York Cliche

NYC lifestyle blog by Mary Lane. Events, adventures, epic mistakes, dating, life, humor. A 20-something trying to make it (and make out) in the city of dreams.

21 thoughts on “The Truth is I’m Not Doing So Well

  1. It’s a common human experience that it takes hitting bottom before we realize something needs addressed in our lives. So, if nothing else, take comfort in the fact that you appear to be normal. What is extraordinary, however, is the courage to face whatever mess it is we’ve been ignoring so that we can be empowered to have a better future. Kudos to you for practicing bravery. Admitting we need help or change in our lives is a big step.

  2. Just in case your not sure that you’re really there yet, watch the saddest film you own, then when you are still crying an hour after it has finished and you have no tears yet, you might just be done. I often find that once they are cried I feel a bit better already. Hope you perk up soon

    1. YES to this comment! For me – Blue Valentine. REALLY REALLY broke me after being cheated on, but I didn’t realize how deep the pain was until this film – a love and loss. And this was a year after the fact!
      It takes time – feel it all, and let it ride out. Don’t be too drastic in your changes if they don’t feel right.
      Rely hard on those friends, and it will all work out!

  3. Hey there, I’m ‘liking’ this particular blog post not because I like the fact that you’re not in a good place right now but because you were brave enough to admit it to yourself and to the blogging world. We go through periods of reassessment all the time. It’s all part of maturing, developing and working out our goals and priorities. What was right for you last year, may no longer be ticking all the boxes THIS year.

    And I’m not just talking about men here; men aside, there are plenty more things going on in a single girl’s life that may require a little bit of a shuffle or reassessment (speaking as a single girl!). I’m going through this right now.

    Only you know why, on a deeper level, why you’re not truly happy. Work prospects, financial situation, love-life or home-life tend to be the usual suspects. And they can be a combination of these things, not necessarily just one. In some cases there are quick fixes and in others a quick fix just isn’t possible. BUT starting the process of admitting that you’re not happy and thinking about what you can do to address some of the areas that are causing your unhappiness is the all important first step in doing something positive and constructive about it. And you’ve done that today.

    It’s so easy to isolate yourself (I know this only too well) from friends and family. But it really is important to talk to someone. This action alone can be a huge release.

    You’re not alone – we all go through moments where we feel emotionally vulnerable, isolated, deflated and disillusioned, for whatever reason. But it’s also important to keep your perspective and think about HOW you can make realistic changes that will ease some of your worries and concerns.

    Keep us up to speed with how you’re getting on 😉

  4. Merp, I have soooo been there before. Behind on school work, nearly broke, always worried about something or another… It’s a pretty sucky feeling. Haha but friends, family, and even random strangers did the sweetest little things that would seriously brighten my whole day, sometimes week, and I got through it. I’m so glad you at least have a support system to get you through your rough patch.
    Feel better soon! 🙂

  5. Ahh!! One of my alone-in-the-city fears – locking myself out! I am so glad you could go to your friends’ place. Heck, it’s gotta get better from here, right? Maybe I can recommend a song to you that always helps me feel better: Learnalilgivinanlovin by Gotye. Check it out, have a mini dance party, see what happens 🙂

  6. Hello Dear, personally, i have never been in your position, nor do i know what it feels like to live alone. However, i do know what it’s like to be powerless while your world is slowly falling apart, to feel helpless and nerve wrecked and lastly, to have priorities and responsibilities. Don’t be weakened by your problems. It’s okay to cry, Crying helps release the stress, pain and anxiety (Don’t over do it, that’s unhealthy!) haha. Also, Venting to someone will reduce the pain and tension- Talk to your friends,. As for the financial disaster, Hopefully that check will arrive and all your worries will transform into smiles and rainbows.
    Consider me a ray of sunshine when i say these bad times are temporary. I pinky promise you, these brutal days you are enduring will soon on strengthen you. Now chin up, smile and count the good things in your life, even if they unnoticeable. This all part of life and growing up. I wish i can give you a ginormous hug and vanish away all your issues. Muchh love, darling.

    Imam Ali (AS) once said: Life consists of two days, one for you and one against you. So when it’s for you don’t be proud and reckless, and when it’s against you be patient, for both days are a test for you.

  7. You got friends across the street, more around town, even more around the country and a bunch in your apartment. Focus on that, it might help. I loathe detest and haaaaaaate waiting for checks in the mail. Just the worst thing in the world. “The check is in the mail”, a cliche so wretched it counts as a swear word.

  8. I definitely agree with the plan of having a good cry to a soppy movie… For me it’s “PS I Love You.” That evil bastard gets me sobbing like a baby every time I watch it. Follow up your sob-fest with a night in with the girls across the street; lots of moral support, wine and above all else chocolate. You could even make it a kind of pamper evening… at least then you’d be fairly sure of when you last shaved your legs. 🙂 And finally, remember that no matter how bad today is, it’s got to end eventually and maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be the start of something special happening for you. After all, good things have to start somewhere, so why not tomorrow? Best of luck x

  9. Ohhhhhh girl. We should get coffee and commiserate together. I’ve been having an absolute crap month so far as well (though mine mostly involves a lot of shadiness on the part of my current roommates and thus the fact I am moving out by November 1st). I have cried more tears in the last three weeks than I have in probably three years. It feels like I have been hit with one thing after another after another. But on the flipside, it’s made me realize how much harder I should be fighting for myself and my well-being, for the things I want, for my own happiness. One previous comment mentioned hitting rock bottom, but J.K. Rowling said it best when she said “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” Take heart, because like J.K., once you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go BUT up. Go one day at a time and make little changes, because over time, those little changes add up into something extraordinary. You’ll be okay. Have faith. Seek solace in your friends. And if you need a life chat, we’re in the same City; I know we’ve never met, but I can promise I’m a good listener. Drop me a line if you need an objective, encouraging opinion! 🙂

  10. I think being able to realize, and admit on your blog, the phrase “I’m not happy with my life” is huge. A lot of people seem to not realize how unhappy they are and then they just get kind of numb and boring. By admitting it so boldly, you now have the potential to make some changes.

    Everyone has those rock bottom moments, and it’s refreshing to read that others are experiencing it too. I really enjoyed reading this.

  11. I am going through a similar thing I might say. But the difference is, I am half way across the world. But the circumstances, though slightly different, create the same emotional turmoil inside that makes me understand what you’re going through. Everyone thinks life is fine right now, but really it isn’t.

    And now, I am, once again doing another move in life, in hopes of changing – altering – my current situation and finally moving on to the better life.

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