So No One Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way

They say most writers base their works of fiction on true-life events and/or characters. Not me. I never do that. Which is why I’ve developed an idea for a TV show that’s entirely original, not based on my life at allNooo sir. I don’t know how my mind comes up with these things!

It’s a cross between Sex and the City Girls on HBO and Friends. Like I said: super original.

It’s about a group of friends who all met performing summer theater together. (I have no friends like that. Nooo sir. I, uh, had to do a lot of research to even imagine what it might be like to make friends in such an environment.)  There are the girls- Krystal, Torri, and Marilyn- and the boys- Jack, Mark, Tyler, and Pete. They all live in NYC (of course), most of them have for years. Our series starts when the girls move into an apartment right across the street from the boys. (So different from my life, I mean, I haven’t moved in ages.)

These apartments couldn’t be more different. The boys live in a basement apartment they call “The Dugout”. Think exposed pipes, windows that look out on their neighbor’s walls, a hallway closet that’s big enough to be an extra bedroom. Someone is always crashing on the futon or in the closet room- great guest star and cameo potential. It may be a little dark, a little hard to heat up, but it’s big (and cheap). They have a piano and the perfect set-up for beer pong. It puts the Bach in Bachelor Pad [insert laugh track].

When the girls first looked at their apartment, they couldn’t quite believe it. In their price-range, newly renovated, and close to the subway. Just across the street from “The Dugout” yet of a different world- high ceilings, hardwood floors, marble countertops, a spacious, sunny living room (but still realistic- think Seinfeld’s, not Monica and Rachel’s monstrosity). It even has a washing machine (which constantly breaks- think suds all over the bathroom floor- comic gold) and exposed brick walls. It’s a fifth floor walk-up but that means you don’t need a gym membership [insert laugh track]!

Plus it was on the same street as their good friends Jack, Mark, and Tyler! Surely they’d hang out all the time and it would be just like in beer commercials! Super fun times all around! They’re all single (except for Torri), straight (probably…), young (Pete is older but doesn’t come in until mid-season) and living in the Big Apple. It’s the perfect stage for a comedy or drama! OR BOTH! (Uh duh, it’s a TV show after all. That I made up! Ya gotta have both! It’s fiction! Fiction! I’m so creative and original!) I mean…they all met working summer theater…there’s a flare for the dramatic AND a comedic side to each of our characters. Here, let me show you: (My characters are sooooo realistic, hard to believe I made them up, isn’t it? I only wish I had people like this in my life!)

Krystal The newbie. Newly graduated from college and fresh-off-the-boat to NYC, she’s pursuing a career as a dancer. Known to complain about being “between a size 00 and size 0”. Works as a waitress at the East Village café “Violin Rods”, makes batches of empanadas when stressed. Recently got out of a long-term relationship with Jack. She wants to take a break from dating but that doesn’t stop a steady stream of admirers… will the men of NYC wear down her resolve?

Jack The goof. A film actor, he often plays lovable geek/underdog/dog roles. Constantly trying out new character voices and physicalities, each more hilarious than the last, he’s a true talent. Works as a bar tender at night and during the day walks around neighborhoods dropping off take-out menus. He sometimes plays the banjo in subway stations. Recently got circumcised at age 26- has the loss changed him?

Tyler The charmer. A former DJ, he’s decided to go back to school, to become a dental hygienist. Recites the bones in the head and neck when he’s nervous. On an exclusively raw food diet and his friends make fun of him for it. Super health conscious, super sexy in scrubs. Notorious for trying to bed his friends. Will the ladies across the street fall for his charm, good-looks, and close proximity?

Torri The rock. A student at NYU getting her degree in journalism. Reads textbooks with a PBR in hand, spouting off intellectual theory while her roommates look at videos of baby giraffes on youtube. Doesn’t get off on drama, usually the voice of reason: she’ll tell you if you’re being a douche-bag/idiot-face/Sloppy-Sally. Her steady boyfriend, Craig, is great and everyone likes him until the girls realize he never puts the toilet seat down. Deal breaker?

Mark A folk singer-song writer who is just starting to really break out into the music scene. Currently pays the bills by working at a gourmet grocery store on the Upper East Side. Hates it. He’s the type who’s bald, maybe on the huskier side, and always dating a super hot girl. Has hilarious monologues about NYC; can rant about subway encounters or pigeon shit with more conviction and humor than Woody Allen. Will he get a recording contract before his roommates tire of constant harmonica riffs?

Pete The mid-season pick-me-up. Moving into “The Dugout” mid-season (in an effort to appeal to the Boomer demographic), Pete is a good 20 years older than the rest of the cast. Has spent his career traveling around the country working as a stunt man, now he’s trying to find a reason to stay in NYC. Has a bizarre sense of humor- likes to pretend he’s hard of hearing for comedic affect. Looks at his roommates and neighbors with eyes of experience, remembering the mistakes of his twenties. Will he use his wisdom to counsel his friends or just sit and watch as they learn for themselves?

Marilyn The narrator. In the midst of a quintessential quarter wtf-am-I-doing-with-my life crisis.Works as a product tester which means she gets a lot of free stuff. This has its ups- “Free Nintendo t-shirts for everyone!” and downs- “I got a case of Kraft cheese today! I don’t care if it’s not a raw food, everyone has to eat a whole package NOW. EAT IT NOW!” Writes a web zine to fill the creative void, alienates her friends by writing about them in it (what a bitch). Makes questionable decisions like starting a no-strings-attached situation with one of the fellas across the street. Will she figure it out or will it all blow up in her face?

That’s the cast! What incredible potential for drama, right? Will Krystal and Jack get back together? Who’s teeth will Tyler clean first? Will Torri abandon them all to move in with Craig? Will he ever learn to put the toilet seat down? [Insert laugh track.] Who is Marilyn canoodling with? Will Pete ever get to use his stunt-man skills to stop a mugging and/or burglary? Will Mark’s contract fall through and he’ll take to throwing spoiled produce at everyone?

How can you not be dying to watch this show? Aren’t you amazed at my first foray into fiction (entirely fiction! It is! Why don’t you believe me!)? As fun as it sounds, I’m so glad actual real life is nothing like it! Nooo sir. The only thing it needs now (besides syndication) is a name…. There seems to be a trend in single word titles…maybe PalsBuddiesChumsApartmentsPeopleOur Street? Maybe we’ll leave the naming to the network (however, I will say my personal favorite is Chums [insert laugh track]).

About New York Cliche

NYC lifestyle blog by Mary Lane. Events, adventures, epic mistakes, dating, life, humor. A 20-something trying to make it (and make out) in the city of dreams.

12 thoughts on “So No One Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way

  1. Yup. I’d absolutely watch that. So you mean to say this IS your real life? ‘Cause yeah. Sounds like a TV show waiting to happen. 😉

    1. hmmm….to answer your question, I’ll simply point you to a Shakespeare quote, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”
      That’s the most pretentious thing I’ve ever written on this blog (sorry!) but it’s the best answer I got! 🙂
      “Doth I Protest Too Much” is also an Alanis Morissette song…does that lower my pretension levels?

  2. I like your description, and I think the idea of a group of people who do summer theater together would be interesting. Then you could have a story within a story in a way, because you’d have both the play that they’re performing in and the story of their lives when they’re not onstage.

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