Sometimes when I’m surrounded by the silicone preserved bodies of the exhibition I now work at. Sometimes when it’s 22 degrees out and it’s been raining all day. Sometimes when I make some trivial mistake and my boss makes me feel like a five year old little girl. Times like these make me miss the warm, sunny days of standing among swarming tourists in humid as hell Times Square. These days I spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts and my cadaver pals. It gets boring, and I a girl who strives to avoid boredom at all costs. In Times Square, thousands of people past me everyday. It’s hard to be bored in that environment, even if only 1 in 1,000 interact with you. A few of my favorites who beat those odds:
The Woman Who Hated Mary Poppins
I’m standing outside the Times Square subway station, passing out fans par usual. Ok, let’s spill. They are Mary Poppins fans. I spent the summer working for Disney. Now you know the full truth. Anyway, this woman in full Obama regalia- buttons, hat, t-shirt- is walking past me. I offer her a fan a KABLAMO she explodes MARY POPPINS IS RACIST! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GIVE A WHITE LADY A UMBRELLA AND SHE’LL KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF KIDS! ALL THE PEOPLE I KNOW WHO TAKE CARE OF KIDS ARE BLACK! THAT SHOW IS RACIST AND FASCIST AND YOU’RE RACIST AND FASCIST! FUCK YOU! Before I can even open my mouth she disappears down the subway stairs. Lucky she did this to me and not some undecided or Republican voter, I know there are people who would have condemned Obama by association.
The Jesus Freak Searching for His Disney Princess Soul Mate
It’s late afternoon and approaching the end of my shift. I have a bunch of fans in my bag that I’m not going to finish passing out in the next five minutes and I’m a couple of blocks from the office so I decide to pack up and go back a little early. Cue me being a klutz and spilling dozens of fans all over the ground. Great. Few things feel tackier than hunching over to gather little blue fans of the sidewalk, knowing the dirty little secret that they are not going in the trash but will instead go back in the bag and later be passed out to the unsuspecting public. I’m picking up fans. Cue someone stopping to help me. What? I’m in New York. This must be some tourist from Say-hello-to-everyone-in-town-help-your-neighbor-with-his-gutters-ville. New Yorkers don’t stop on the street to help klutzes. That’s the opposite of the cliche. Unless they happen to think the klutz is a pretty girl…Shit.
He’s short, extremely Italian, and promptly introduces himself to me as Vinny. The street is clear and I thank him for helping me and damnit just as I feared, the guy does not continue on his way, but instead starts to make small talk. Aw damnit, I’m a pretty girl. Have you accepted Jesus into your heart? Cue small talk veering in an extremely atypical direction. Great, Jesus freak. Well at least that makes him more or less benign. In theory anyway. Nope Vinny, I’m what you call agnostic. Not into the organized religion thing. Jesus loves you. He’s the way to eternal salvation….Yawn. I’m walking down the street trying to escape this as indirectly as possible, I’m representing Disney = I’m technically employed to be nice and cheerful and not a bitch, but Vinny’s walking along with me and yammering away with completely stereotypical Jesus Spiel until I want to get to know you, maybe we could do something together sometime? Ugh. Vinny, I have a boyfriend (total lie, but it often gets the job done). That’s okay. I don’t believe in boyfriends and girlfriends. I only believe in soul mates. Jesus has been showing me visions of my soul mate. In the vision she’s a Disney princess. And today when I saw you on the street, blonde hair, blue eyes, your Disney shirt- I think Jesus lead me to you. Well Vinny, you certainly win points for the most original, unlikely to be duplicated EVER pickup line. Wow. I managed to shake free fromVinny by promising I would friend him on myspace. I remembered the url long enough to look it up and have a laugh. http://www.myspace.com/vinnyao. Pretty much what you’d expect from a Jesus Freak I guess. Can you believe his name really is Vinny?