You will see a pigeon the minute you arrive in New York City. These dirty birdies are everywhere in all five boroughs. 

New Yorkers have a fun little nickname for pigeons- flying rats. Although, no one sits in a park to feed swarms of rats, the way wackos do with NYC pigeons. When was the last time a rat shat on your head or your freshly laundered coat? Never. Perhaps saddest of all, pigeons are too weak/stupid to carry an entire slice of pizza.

Think about it, if you had to chose between having a cockroach or a pigeon in your room, there’d be no contest. Thus it’s really possible that pigeons are New York’s most odious pest.

I think NYC pigeons are gross! You’d never catch me feeding one! I flinch when the fly near me! Which makes what I’m about to tell you all the more surprising…

Ok, this is really weird but…

I met a pigeon on the Upper East Side last week, and….

It was love at first sight.

He was sitting on a fence at the very eastern edge of Manhattan, calmly overlooking the river. Sitting in solitude, such a contrast to the unruly mobs fighting over fallen pretzels in the city streets. Immediately I was intrigued by his coloring. I had to stop myself from asking insensitive questions, What’s your background? Was your mom a magician’s dove and your dad a dirty commoner from the hood? Cause that’s what it totes looks like.

I got a little closer and he turned, catching me zooming  my camera in on his snow white tale feathers.

“Hey! Whachu lookin at, blondie?”

“You gonna take my picher without askin’, huh? Fuhgeddaboudit! You hear me? Snap that cam and I will shit on you so hard! Next time you’re running to a real important audition or somethin’! I’m not fuckin kiddin’! Not coo, lady, not coo!”

“Fine, whateva. At least get my good side.”

Then he stretched his wings and ghosted me, flying off into the blue, New York City sky. I know I’ll never see him again. Talk about a missed connection.

I didn’t even know his name! What would you name this weirdly attractive (am I wrong?) NYC pigeon?