It’s been a thrilling two weeks watching the Olympics, hasn’t it? Cheering on the unstoppable Simones, watching Michael Phelps rack up more medals than there are NYC subway lines, and seeing Katie Ledecky seem to swim faster than any taxi I’ve ever been in. I’ve been feeling especially inspired , thoroughly in awe of human achievement. I don’t want it to end! So I’ve been thinking of hosting my own New York Cliché Olympics! Mayor de Blasio retracted the city’s bid for 2024 so we gotta go rouge! This is the most competitive city in the world, we need the games catered to our strengths!

Bringing the 5 Boroughs Together in the Ultimate Competition of Street Smarts and Strength

Event 1: Times Square Obstacle Course

A race to get through Time Square, dodging slow tourists, pushy costume characters, traffic, and cranky locals.

Event 2: Elmo Wrestling

An event many New Yorkers have long dreamed of: jump as many Times Square Elmos as you can and taking out all your aggression for the childhoods they’re ruining.

Event 3: CD Hustler Discus Throw

In this feat of strength and agility: Grab the disc out of the hand of a dude who says “Do you like music?” and hurling it as far as possible. Then running away from the dude in a race to not get punched!

Event 4: Citi Bike Relay

A race to visit every single Citi Bike station in NYC. Improper docking and exceeding 30 minute time limit = immediate disqualification.

Event 5: Taxicab Quick Change

An event of speed and cunning: Change your entire outfit in the back of a taxi cab. The more difficult the ensemble, the more points granted. Points deducted if the cabbie notices.

Event 6: Subway Turnstyle High Jump

Event 7: Subway Surfing

A skill of acute balance and flexibility: ride the subway without holding any poles. The goal is to look as calm and collected as possible, points deducted for lurches, falls, and looking like an idiot.

Event 8: The Subway Pole Vault

IT’S SHOWTIME, OLYMPIANS!

Event 9: The 400 Meter Dash in High Heels on Cobblestones

Often called the most dangerous event of the New York Cliché Olympics, participants race down a cobblestone street in 5 inch heels. With an alcohol blood level of 0.2%.

Event 10: The Starbucks Sprint

A race to order the most obnoxious and difficult beverages at Starbucks Grande Double Soy Cappuccino, Extra Foam No Whip Frappuccino for the entire Team USA, deliver them with no spills, AND hand everyone their requested beverage.

Event 11: Jaywalking

The death-defying stunt of crossing the West Side Highway against the light. Points deducted for car horns and running.

Event 12: Museum of Ice Cream Sprinkle Dive

A high dive into the sold out Museum of Ice Cream Rainbow Sprinkle Pool. Additional points for best selfie.

Event 13: The Harlem Triathlon

Climb Stairs of 6th Floor Walk Up, Change Into Sweatpants, Pour Wine. Fastest person wins. AT LIFE.

Event 14: Climb Trump Tower

Obvs. 

And there you have it, the plan for the first ever New York Cliché Olympics! Which event are you most looking forward too? Which would you consider competing in? What NYC event would you add to this line up?

Happy weekend, everyone, and enjoy the final events of the real Olympics!