We know the Valentine’s Day cliché: a romantic dinner, a dozen red roses, a big heart-shaped box of chocolates. This is what Hallmark and Hollywood tells us is supposed to happen on this holiday. Here’s a promise: if I ever have a cliché Valentine’s Day I’ll blog all about it. I mean, duh. Thus far however, I’m batting 0:27. Alas, I’m striking out again this February 14th, the date that marks the 28th Valentine’s Day of my life.

If I can’t go by the cliché, what’s a New York Cliché to do? See, I like celebrating holidays! February is a miserable month. A celebration of love, an excuse to eat chocolate, and a reason to wear my favorite colors (red and pink) is just what this dreary month needs!

Here are my NYC ideas of how to be festive this V-Day, no matter who you wanna share the love with.

A Date with the Girl You’re Not Yet Exclusive With

The whole holiday with all it’s expectations kind of terrifies you. You’ve only been on a couple dates with this girl. You don’t want to make a big gesture, but you kind of like her, you two might even have a future (maybe), and you feel like you should do something. Take her to City Bakery’s Hot Chocolate Festival.

 

Each day this month, this lauded NYC establishment is featuring a different flavor of hot chocolate. They’re all incredibly decadent and delicious. Then consider the home-made marshmallow on the top and you have pretty much the greatest cup of hot cocoa ever. February 14th features a special Valentine’s Day chocolate flavor called “Love Potion”. Hey, maybe you’ll drink it and realize you want to take things to the next level with this girl. I’m kidding! Don’t freak out! This is the “let’s just get drinks” version of Valentine’s Day. It’s low-key, she can’t take much meaning out of it, but you’ll get points for doing a little something.

A Date with the Boy You’re Not Yet Exclusive With

Best to let him take the lead I’m afraid. Another cliché about this holiday is that it freaks men out. Don’t push him to make plans just because you want a date and don’t consider it a death toll on dating if he doesn’t try to see you this Saturday night. If you guys are still dating on March 14th, you can take the lead on celebrating Steak and Blowjob Day (if he takes the lead on that, he’s a douche. Wait, you didn’t know that was a thing? I just learned myself.)

A Date with Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend

You want to do something nice. The ridiculousness of reservations on any Saturday night in NYC is a headache. On Valentine’s Day it just sounds like a nightmare. You’d like to cook your special someone a romantic dinner but…your cooking skills max out at scrambled eggs.

Fire up your oven and get everything you need for a beautiful and beautifully easy home cooked meal at Babeth’s Feast. Modeled after trends in Paris, everything at this little food market on the Upper East Side is made from the highest quality ingredients and then flash frozen. Yep, this is gourmet frozen food that almost seems too good to be true.

I was invited to a media night and met the founders, sampled products, and I promise I’m not being paid by anyone to tell you the quality is top-notch. It’s really the perfect place to get everything for a romantic home cooked meal. You won’t even really be lying because most things are baked in the over or on the stove top to serve. They have seasoned lobster tails or lamb shanks for something special and romantic. These cheesy gratins make perfect freezing weather side dishes. They even have a large dessert selection, when I visited the store I couldn’t stop eating their lemon tarts.

They have food sampling in store through out every day, they’ll prove their quality right up front. The staff is incredibly helpful and the store is amazingly organized to make this dinner- from planning to execution- stupid easy.

A Date with Your Gay Boy Friend

Check out the Off Broadway show “Sex Tips for Women from a Gay Man“. This show is super fun, will have you laughing, and they even have a great V-Day special. $99 gets you two tickets, two glasses of wine, and one red rose (just to top it off).

I saw this show last week and was impressed by Grant MacDermott, the Gay Man star of the show. He’s absolutely delightful, charming as all fuck, with stage presence to die for. Additionally there’s a major eye-candy element of this show that culminates in a muscular, scantily clad dance number. You and your GBF will eat it up

Cheer Up Your Friend Who Recently Broke Up With Someone

So you could eat ice cream, get drunk, and bitch about men all night. Or you can laugh at the absurd and humorous antics of The Red Gloves Performance Group.

 

Combining elements of dance, comedy, and theatre, this original piece called “Flannery and the Valentine’s Day Ninja” begins with cupid dying. You’ll get to laugh at the characters and with the performers in this “absurd living comic strip that is touching, beautiful, and true.” In the hands of these red glove performers, you’ll forget the woes of real-life love.

A Night Out with your Group of Single Pals

Chances are you’re not getting any tonight but that doesn’t mean you’re never having sex again! Start prepare for that inevitable occasion at Union Hall in Brooklyn with “The Wonderful World of Boning: Sex Ed With a Sense of Humor”.

 

I mean, with a name like that, how can you pass up this event? It’s a bunch of comedians making fun of “historical” sex-ed videos. How do you get more festive than that? It’s only eight bucks, that price alone is worth is worth this exchange:

Smug Married: “So, do you have any special plans for Valentine’s Day?”

Single, Fabulous You: “Yes, I plan to fully enjoy The Wonderful World of Boning.”