My locker was the place to be in middle school. Giggling groups of girls gathered there. Boys played it cool, casually leaning against the wall, hiding surging hormones and the accompanying acne behind baggy pants and Nick Carter bangs. None of it had anything to do with me. The buzz of activity and angst was all because Kristina Lau was in my home room. Her locker was next to mine.
She was (maybe still is- we’re not Facebook friends so who knows) the rare type of girl who was popular not merely for looks (though she did have boobs before a lot of us) or athletic ability (though she was on the basketball team) but also because she was a genuinely sweet person. The combination of boobs, basketball, and sweetness caught the attentions of the one or two boys who hit puberty in 6th grade. Once they took an interest, peer-pressure and the herd-mentality of tweens (though “tween” was a term yet to be coined) meant she had a steady stream of admirers. Thus for all visits to my locker, I was escorted by the clichéd green-eyed monster.
I was a late bloomer: shy, unsteady self esteem, uncomfortable with my body (I didn’t wear a bra until high school), and still wearing clothes my mother (who has not given a damn for fashion since her 1969 mini-skirt wedding dress) bought me. My mantra was decidedly “No one understands me!” and I was not attracting the attentions of anyone, let alone boys. (Maybe with the exception of the guy who played trombone with me in band. I was convinced I hated him, a fact I dedicated many a diary entry to, and we all know what that means.) Show me a person who went through their teenage years without some sort of cliché, does such a one exist?
Pink balloons bobbled from her locker as I dragged out the books for my first period class. It wasn’t even 8AM and the madness had already started. I couldn’t believe it. Yet today was not a day for envy or feigned “whatever” indifference, today was a day for hope. It was the first Valentine’s Day of the millennium. This was going to be the day some secret admirer of mine revealed himself.
The fact is, until I moved to New York at age 21, this is how I functioned. I lived in my head, concocted elaborate day dreams, and made wishes. Never did anything to help them come true. Passive was my middle name. What started in middle school continued through college. Every February 14th I would fantasize about a flower left on my desk, a singing Valentine from the choir club, chocolates sent to my dorm room. At the end of each day I would swallow disappointment down with a spoonful of whatever-I-don’t-care denial.
“Um…sorry, can you move? You’re blocking my locker,” I said to the boy, one of the givers of the sixteen Valentine-grams Kristina had received in homeroom that morning. Swinging my locker open, blocking the sight of balloons and roses, my eyes fell upon the back of a pink envelope. Some one had slipped it through the cracks of my locker. My heart skipped a beat, a smile began to spread across my face. I picked the card up. Scrawled across the envelope in red pen the words KRISTINA met my eyes. My smile vanished and jealousy burbled up in my throat. I slipped the card in a book and, not saying anything, headed off to my next class.
Kristina,
I think you’re so cute. I hope you liked the flower. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Bobby
Bad move, Bobby, you got the wrong locker. I never gave her that card, ruined your one big shot. You got my hopes up Bob, for that my 13-year-old-self had to punish you. She was way out of your league any way, girls like her don’t date boys who play Pokemon.
♥
This year I had a date for Valentine’s. With my boyfriend no less, albeit my gay boyfriend. We would take each other out to dinner, no bitterness allowed, not even smarmy remarks about couples at adjacent tables. I should have known that morning, when we still didn’t have a time and place locked down, that he was going to bail on me; but it wasn’t until a 4PM text that I realized gay boyfriends are just as unreliable as straight ones.
Faced with a free evening, the thought of getting some sushi and taking myself out to a movie sounded like just as good a date, Valentine’s Day and all. I’d let myself forget it when a boy was in my life and my apartment, but I’m happy on my own. Cliché and all. No fake bravado, no “if I say I’m a strong, independent woman enough times, I’ll actually start believing it.” I am strong and independent: it’s fact.
Yesterday was the first time since puberty that I spent V-day with a clear head. No wishing on dreams or hating the romantic antics of others. I didn’t end up taking myself out (rain check) but instead made dinner and watched Center Stage with my roommate. It felt like back in 5th grade when you got Valentines from the entire class and your teacher baked cookies. Carefree, as sweet as a candy heart. Who would wish for anything more?
Happy Valentine’s Day ♥
love this. thanks for sharing!
🙂 my pleasure, thanks for reading!
Your description Valentine’s Day high school style cracked me up – I was you in high school! Love your blog by the way!
Aren’t we lucky our “glory days” weren’t in high school? I love looking back and thinking “Nope, don’t miss that.” 🙂 Thanks for reading!
Haha, good story! I remember being one of those dudes… the kind who would make a lame move on some super popular girl without realizing that EVERY guy was doing the same… and, as the years went by, had zero experience because he ignored girls who actually might’ve liked the attention… haha, being a teenager was hilariously bleak.
I liked the bit in the end, too, about how Valentine’s with a gbf was like elementary school, when everybody would give you cookies. I think that’s the reason people get sad on Valentine’s Day. Because, when we were little, it was something to really look forward to, and had nothing whatsoever to do with loneliness.
Right, at least we’re at the point now where we can say the teen years were “hilariously bleak” and not just “they sucked”. Exactly. Past elementary school Valentine’s Day is just loaded with potential for disappointment, whether you’re coupled or single. I’m really glad you totally got exactly where I was going with the end of the post. Thanks for reading!!
Oh yeah and re: your 20sb post, it took me a while to find the comment box. Maybe some people don’t know you have it! 😉
I really enjoyed this post. I think what you talked about is a huge part of the reason I dislike Valentines Day so much.
Aw that makes me happy 🙂 thanks for reading & enjoying!
Haha I love that you never gave her the card. I love it. I hope you burned it, or let your dog eat it.
I’m glad you enjoyed your V-Day as a single person. I worry about people who can’t handle being alone and independent, especially women. You go girl!
Hahahaha, no I did not destroy it in any dramatic fashion. Bobby was a nerd, had he been my “teenage dream” it’d be a different story 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
Wow… I love your writing! Maybe you are new or something… but the comments will come. Your thoughts are smart, catchy, funny, and real. Felt like a movie. The imagery is strong and concise. And your writing is honest and friendly. Definitely a good read.
Another thought is adding a ticker/counter to your page. Then you will at least get an idea on how many ‘lurkers’ there are.
… give them time, they will come.
Thank you so much! That’s everything I hope my writing to be and more! It made me really happy that you went back and read old entries too. Now I’m off to check out your blog!
My mom has been my valentine most of my life. I love when she takes me out and it’s just us with a million couples celebrating how much they love each other. I’m the middle of three and succesfully I’ve had less valentines dates than both my sisters which is why my mom still takes me out. My little sister is 16… how does she have more valentines dates then me?
That’s a sweet tradition 🙂 I’m lucky to be an only child, I can’t imagine what it’s be like to have all sorts of sister comparisons!
Oh, I love this. I’ve only just found your blog (I found you through 20sb!) and was really captivated the whole way through your post. You have a really lovely and comedic writing style, and I can completely relate to everything you’re saying as well. Great post!
Claire x
http://tea-breaks.blogspot.com
Hi – Saw your post on 20sb. Loved this entry, felt like something I would have written!
P.S. Loved “i’m strong and independent: that’s a fact.” I feel the same way!
Hurray strong and independent us! Thanks for reading, I always enjoy the familiar aspect of reading stuff I felt I would have written. Checked out your blog as well!
You’ve inspired me…now I want to do posts that have visions of the past.
I know what you mean though. I ALWAYS got a locker beneath the locker of a popular boy.
a) I always got books dropped on my head.
b) there were always other popular folk swarming about, irritating me and making me feel inferior.
Stupid lockers.
-C
(p.s. found you via 20sb…w00t!)
I’d definitely recommend it, I had fun drumming up the past. There was just no way to win with lockers!
Also, adding you to my blog roll.
-C
I’m officially hooked on your blog, it’s such a pleasure to read! I love your stories, they’re all things I can relate to, but they all have such a great personal twist, you’re a very strong writer, chica.
Aw, thanks so much! Thanks for reading and swelling my head- you’re a sweetie 🙂
Stupid Kristina! I would have kept Bobby’s card too. What a jerk. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I yours is adorable, what a great idea making the subway map your background!
I enjoy what you guys are usually up too. This kind of clever work and exposure!
Keep up the wonderful works guys I’ve included you guys to my blogroll.
large beach bag recently posted…large beach bag
Can you tell us more about this? I’d like to
find out some additional information.
Web Page recently posted…Web Page