There are two things that come to mind when I say “Renaissance Faire”: Turkey Legs and Cleavage. Am I right, or am I right?
This is not me. This is what you get when you search Turkey Legs + Cleavage. Yes, I am brave/stupid enough to make that search.
I am not very comfortable with cleavage. This may be the reason for my wacky rather than sexy pirate. Cleavage just doesn’t come naturally to me (I’m more a member of the IBTC) and it’s not something I personally think should be forced. Many people do not agree with me on that. All those people go to Ren faires.
Every day at 2:15pm the entire cast, all entertainment acts and musicians gathered for the “Mid Day Parade”. This meant 15 minutes of walking around the entire shire, waving at people on the side lines, and listening to my pirate captain bitch about the speed of the thing. Today “It’s too fast, I can not keep up, you know I have me a stiff leg.” The next day, “Wherefore is it going so slow? At this rate we will never get through the dern thing.” I started calling him Goldilocks on account of his belly aching. He hated that and that made it funnier to me. Ay Goldilocks, I say to this pirate with a huge gray beard, I pray that some day thou dost find a parade that is just right.
Through out the parade sidelines you’d see groups of women who came every weekend, always dressed up. For the duration of the parade they would bend over so their cleavage was on display in all its horror, gory glory. Oh Lord did I see some awful cleavage on display. Cleavage that would make you flinch if I described it to you (wrinkly! extra creases!) These ladies would call out for the attention of the men in the parade. That only got my pirate captain belly aching more “Oh God, must we be besieged by breasticles? Tis too much for me and I got but one of me eyes, t’other’s patched.”
On the flip side: Turkey legs! A wondrous rip off. Eight dollars for a huge leg of dry meat! I was constantly agog at the number of people who shelled out. On the flip, flip side they make a wondrous prop. Ripping of the meat of a huge turkey leg with your teeth and pronouncedly chewing it? That gets people’s attention. What gets their attention even more is if you challenge them to a Turkey Leg Duel.
I only came up with the Turkey Leg Duel idea the very last weekend. I noticed people are usually tired of their drumstick when there is still plenty of meat left on the bone. Combine this with the fact that turkey legs usually got sent up for the cast and no one usually wanted them, you’ve got a great combo. Challenge a patron to a duel, whip out you weapon of choice- a turkey leg, you clash drumsticks with them and they let you win, even if you’re trying to let them win. It’s pretty funny. Challenge the sheriff of the shire to a duel (which is what I did the very last day) and a crowd will gather, as you and he passionately bash legs, no hesitation, as if your very lives were at stake. Turkey meat goes flying, getting all over the ground and your clothes. The sheriff grovels in defeat and announces you the Turkey Leg Duel Champion. A crowning achievement.
I had more than my fill of both turkey legs and cleavage this summer. Two things I do not miss about Bumblefuck. But Turkey Leg Duels? I’d love to bring them to the streets of New York.
