Meet My Favorite New York Cliché Tourist Ever

“That’s the problem with living in New York. You’ve got no New York to run away to.” – Amor Towles

It’s a cliché that New Yorkers shun tourists. We fume at their snail’s pace on our sidewalks and roll our eyes at their fascination with Times Square. Maybe we’re jealous of them. They’re experiencing all the magic of a New York vacation while we plug away at the New York daily grind.

There are two types of New York tourists: ones who whine, “Ugh, I don’t know how anyone could live here!” and those cry, “I can’t wait to come back.”

I try to live vicariously through the later.  They keep me from becoming too jaded. I discovered a Welsh bloke on Twitter, sharing the highlights of his New York vacation.

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Looking Back at the Mortifying “Teenage Cliché ” Era

Yesterday I wrote about being mortified while on a date seeing “Mortified”, the storytelling show that features people reading from their teenaged diaries. Now I am dying to be properly mortified at “Mortified“. As someone who loves being on stage AND has kept a journal of some kind since age 12, of course I am. Of course I went home after the show and poured over old composition notebooks so full of adolescent angst Manic Panic hair dye practically bleeds from them.

As this blog is called New York Cliché, my high school online diary would be been called Teenaged Cliché.

Its content is wildly bipolar, most entries starting with creative intros like “This week was awful,” or “Today was great!” Song lyrics compose the titles of nearly every post, with some exceptions: like June 6, 2003 aptly titled, “fuuuuuuuuuuuuck” and December 12, 2003 more succinctly, “FUCK”. Read More

Mortified on a Date Seeing “Mortified”

I’m weird about meeting a date’s friends too soon. I wrote a whole post about this last week. Until I’m pretty sure I like someone, I’d prefer to stay far, far away from their dude-bros. I, in turn, will sequester them from my squad.

That’s in a perfect world. As we know, the New York dating scene is anything but.

Go on a string of bad dates in NYC and your love life starts to feel like a cliche disaster movie montage.
After a string of bad dates, my love life feels like a cliche disaster movie montage.

I made plans for a second date with some dude I met on some dating app. Mortified had a show in Brooklyn and it seemed like a perfect date idea- if it goes badly you get to be mortified at Mortified! You know, it’s possible I love word play so fucking much I subconsciously sabotaged this date just so I could say that…  Read More

Meeting A Date’s Friends Too Soon Fills Me With Feelings

 I hate meeting friends of people I’ve barely started dating. Manhattan is a teeny tiny island so this happens more often than you might think. I’m on a first or second date and, oh, my date knows that couple over there. We have to go say hi. Fuck. As we walk over, I take a breath and assume the role of Perfect Girlfriend Material.

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Hey friends! Like my outfit? It’s made of girlfriend material!

The curtain goes up when my date exclaims, “Hey guys!” they turn around and I throw myself into a performance I’ve workshopping for years. Working title: “Nice to Meet You: A Delightful Display of Humor, Cleverness, and Good Looks! This Gal’s the Total Package!” I perform as if all my date’s friends are Ben Brantley, the notorious NY Times theatre critic. I crave 5 star reviews, “Dude, she was so great! We both loved her! You better not fuck this one up, bro, we’re already planning a myriad of adorable double dates for the four of us!” 
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My Favorite New York Minutes of the Summer

1 Lemonade stand, NYC style

nyc-lemonade-standThese kids set up their table on a corner in Tribeca. Look at that tray, look at that pitcher, look at that DECORATIVE BASIL . That wooden box of napkins in the background actually says LEMONADE. I’m not exaggerating when I claim this lemonade stand to be fancier than any cafe in the Midwest. Fuck “rice crispy treats”, these children have “Brown Butter Crispy Treats”. Read More

911 Tribute Light Shines Bright Throughout NYC

I looked out my window last night and this is what I saw:

911-tribute

Way up in Harlem, over 200 blocks away, the 9/11 Tribute shone bright. So did the moon.

I sat at my window and thought of all the people who lost their lives 15 years ago. I stared at the moon and thought of bravery and courage and rebuilding. At the tippy top of the beam of light, I could see two stars and I made a wish on each of them. For the first responders, people who lost their lives, for the loved ones who still feel gaping ground zero holes in their hearts every day.  Read More