I’m weird about meeting a date’s friends too soon. I wrote a whole post about this last week. Until I’m pretty sure I like someone, I’d prefer to stay far, far away from their dude-bros. I, in turn, will sequester them from my squad.

That’s in a perfect world. As we know, the New York dating scene is anything but.

I made plans for a second date with some dude I met on some dating app. Mortified had a show in Brooklyn and it seemed like a perfect date idea- if it goes badly you get to be mortified at Mortified! You know, it’s possible I love word play so fucking much I subconsciously sabotaged this date just so I could say that… 

Mortified is a storytelling show where people get on stage and read passages from their childhood diaries and journals with “no embellishment, no exaggeration, just God-given awkwardness”. It’s hilarious and facilitates fun get-to-know-you conversations. What were you like in high school? Me? I was an artsy weird girl. Did you ever read someone’s diary without their permission? I did and found out he’d slept with someone else and lied to me about it. (Yeah, I wrote all about it in my blog.)  

Seeing a Mortified show is a great date idea, right? (They also have an excellent podcast I’d recommend, put together from live performances.) 

So cool! I have a date Thursday, we’re going to this fun event: all good!

Then my friend Beth texts me that she and her fiancé are going to Mortified this Thursday and do I want to join them?

Fuck! Yes I want to join you! But I have to go on a stupid date! To the same event you just invited me to! AGH! I don’t even know if I like this dude and now he’s going to meet my friends on a second date! Damnit.

Instead of being a normal person and just saying, “Eh, we’ll say a quick hello, it’ll be fine,” I texted my date:

I was kinda hoping he would say, “No! I can’t bare to meet your friends this soon! We must abandon this plan! Let’s go to Coney Island instead, where we’ll never run into anyone we know!” But no, he was totally chill. He must’ve thought I was totally chill too, because this conversation lead to a communication fail, the likes of which I’ve never experienced on a date.

He took my “So I will have friends who will be there” as a “My friend is going to tag along with us on our second date.” Two hours before our date he tells me he invited a friend along too. Fuck. Instead of saying, “Uninvite your friend! My friend will be doing her own thing! This is not a double date! Nor a group hang!” I didn’t say anything. Two hours seemed like too little time!

Plus I didn’t really realize what was happening. Until I found out my date bought a ticket for me- aw sweet- AND for my friend- NO NO NO! WHY DID YOU DO THAT! FUCK! 

I might have been mortified at Mortified, but the truth is, I didn’t care enough to have that much feeling about it. So I sat with my date and my date’s friend, while my friend Beth sat in a completely different section of the audience. At the end of the show, I introduced my date to my friends, and I pronounced his name wrong.

I’m not making this up. MORTIFYING!

This is why I usually date “Dans” and “Joes”! FUCK!

But… the fact is I didn’t care enough to get his name right.

so….

I didn’t care enough to be mortified when I pronounced his name wrong.

That made me feel like an asshole. When he still showed interest in me after this and all I could think was “I’m not treating you well! I can’t even pronounce your name right, and you want to see me again!? SERIOUSLY!?”

So I guess the moral of the story is: treat men like shit, be indifferent and crap at communication. That’s how to keep them interested and cinch that third date!

Oy. That’s too depressing. Let’s try this:

And the moral of the story is? Despite this awkward date, I still loved the show! So you should check out Mortified the podcast! Then bring a date OR your friend Beth (NOT BOTH) to their next Mortified Live show in Brooklyn on October 13th!