Single on Valentine's Day: What a Drag

I paused the film just as the lips of Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams made contact. Tears rolled down my cheeks as steadily as the rain falling on screen. My eye makeup ran into black claw-like smears stretching for my cheeks, gold remnants of shadow sparkling in the illuminated glow of my laptop. I wiped my face on my t-shirt, baggy and shapeless, the word BLOOD in block letters across the chest. One of the large collection of free t-shirts I own, this one was acquired whilst promoting a friend‘s show about vampires. Too bad it didn’t read LIFE SUCKS. Unable to wear the words, instead I spoke them aloud, to no one but my empty apartment, my cat hiding under my roommates bed rather than cuddling with me, and the bottle of wine nestled beside me on the futon.

I got up, grabbed a box of tissues and the box of chocolates my roommate had received from one of her many admirers. She told me to help myself and left them out on the kitchen counter. I sat back down on the futon. I poured myself another glass of wine.

The next thing I knew I was awakened by my cat nearly stepping on my face. I opened my eyes and found myself confronted by my laptop, the keys of the keyboard decorated with chocolate finger prints, and open to my ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page,. The both the bottle of wine and the box of chocolates was nearly empty. Thankfully some tissues remained. I put my makeup stained face in my sticky chocolatey hands and cried.

If a single woman weeps on the night of Valentine’s Day, and no one is around to hear it, does she make a sound?

I got drinks with Miranda and her boyfriend, Steve, last night. The three of us discussed how I spent Valentine’s Day vs how I should have spent Valentine’s Day. The above is one of those sides. Lord, I hope you can guess which one! “You’re New York Cliché!” Steve said, “You have to live up to your reputation! Your readers count on you!” Crying, eating chocolate, watching chick flicks, and stalking exes- those have been clichés for decades! They’re antiquated! I did absolutely none of those things on Valentine’s Day! I just can’t live up to my cliché standards! Ok, actually I did eat an entire box of chocolate…but it was one of those mini boxes, containing only three pieces. That’s vaguely in the realm of portion control!

How does a single woman actually spend Valentine’s Day?

Instead of alone, I was with my girl friends. Instead of watching The Notebook (which in reality I’ve never actually seen), I watched the fabulous Hot Mess Drag Revue.

The chemistry between stars Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling isn’t as captivating as the drama between queens Lady Bunny and Bianca Del Rio! I didn’t stalk my hairy ex’s Facebook, rather I stared at the dance moves and manicured bodies of men in heels. Instead of an entire bootle of wine I sipped champagne and cocktails. Makeup was all over my face but it was artfully applied- you don’t want to look like a feature-less mannequin next to the best makeup artists in the biz.

That was my Valentine’s Day Galentine’s Day celebration. Galentine’s Day is absolutely what the NEW single-on-Valentine’s-Day cliché should be!