I must confess, I haven’t been myself lately.

I’ve been a different wench entirely:

Allow me to introduce you to her. ……………………………………………………………………………

They call me Consequence Wailes. My mam did leave me below the decks of the pirate ship The Albatross, like Moses were left in the rushes of the Nile. My wee babe self was not discovered until the ship were well at sea. There be no turning back, so it were decided my wailing self should be tossed overboard, for there be no place on board ship for a prattling child. Yet no man could do the tossing. All did harbor an inkling deep in their bosoms that they may have done the fathering of me. And so I were not cast down to the briney bottom, but instead have sailed on sea, by the mercy of Poseidon, all my short life.

The crew of The Albatross did call me Consequence, for I were a “consequence” of their philandering. As prattling babes do, having no use for words, I did wail muchly. I myself were a part of the captain’s orders. “Raise the sails! Larboard! Starboard! All hands on deck! Consequence wails!” And so that be the only name I do know, Consequence Wailes.

Indeed, thou shalt remember such a name, for it shall go down in the catacombs of history. For (as thou dost witness above) I, Consequence Wailes,  did walk the plank and did not die. As thou mayst know, this be a task no man, beast, fish, frog nor bird hath e’er done in all the history of the world, yet I, Consequence Wailes, did do it. I did look into the face of death, and I did laugh. HarHarHarHar Death!

Yes, dear readers, this is how I spend my weekend in Bumblefuck. No picnicking in Central Park, no street fairs, no Broadway shows, no clubs on the LES. From 10am-7:30pm Saturday and Sunday, I am Consequence Wailes. She is quite energetic, a bit bumbling, very school-girlish, and I’d like to think, rather hilarious. Generally at her own expense. She was raised by pirates, that explains most things and answers the frequented question: No. I am not a sexy pirate. Consequence is most often called adorable,  even when she tells people she stole her miss-matched earrings from the bodies of two dead men.  So it seems I’m an adorable pirate. Who ever heard of such a thing? Hilarious, no? Hardyharharhar.