It’s too cold to wander outside looking at street art this Saturday! So instead I’m sharing one of my favorite posts ever, the true story of running into my ex on New Year’s Eve. Hope that doesn’t happen to any of you tomorrow, but if it does, this post might help!
Step 1: See your ex-boyfriend from across the apartment of a ruckus New Year’s Eve Party.
Step 2: Assume you didn’t actually see him. That some how, with no warning or reason, you have regressed to how it was when you first broke up and would hallucinate his form all over New York City.
Step 3: Start to freak out about this sudden and alarming regression, until your best friend at this party confirms: Yep, your ex-boyfriend is here. At this New Year’s Eve party thrown by your friends! Fine, mutual friends, you acquiesce. But you’re closer to them, figuratively and literally. This is the New Year’s Eve party of the boys who live across the street from your apartment. Your ex 100% knew you’d be here.
Step 4: Take a moment to figure out how the fuck you feel about this. You’re not exactly angry. But you’re not totally cool with it either.
Step 5: Discover the best word to describe how you feel about his presence is annoyed. You’re kinda annoyed he’s here.
Step 6: Find your bestie and have a quick bitch sesh: Why does he have to be here? Didn’t he have better plans? He knew I was going to be at this party, this is my neighborhood! No, no, it’s not a big deal. I’m fine. Really.
It’s just, this isn’t how I wanted to start the new year, ya know? I thought about this guy way too much at the start of this year. My heart was still broken. Now a year later- there’s no reason he’d be on my mind- hooray! Except, oh hey, he’s right in front of my face. We’ll start this new year in the same room! Great. Just great.
Step 7: Realize you could spend the whole night whining or let it go and have an awesome time at this party.
Step 8: Cease and desist all bitch sessions.
Step 9: Decide to let it go.
Step 10: Consider asking the DJ to play “Let It Go”.
Step 11: Decide against it. You don’t want the DJ (and everyone else at the party) to hate you.
Step 12: Jesus Christ, you haven’t been drinking enough. No seriously, all this happened and you didn’t even have a drink in hand! March yourself to the bar, young lady.
Step 13: Bump into your ex on the way to the bar. Oh right, that was why you were avoiding it.
Step 14: Exchange perfectly cordial small talk. It’s not even that awkward.
Step 15: Excuse yourself, “I really, really need to get a drink!” You’ve never spoken truer words.
Step 16: Drink in hand, make your way to the dance floor. There see your ex… and his girlfriend. The girlfriend who happens to be the reason he left you. The girl who happened to spend a summer stealing him from you.
Step 17: Suddenly find it harder to maintain your “let it go” attitude. At least you have a drink in hand. Remarkably, you don’t have any desire to throw it in her face! Maybe you really are okay with this!
Kinda okay with it. You’re also kinda annoyed. Still? Again?
Step 18: Dance with your friends while thoughts of My New Year’s outfit is way cuter than hers! and I’m totally a better dancer then she is! and Probably better in bed too! dance in your head.
Step 19: Feel smug for about 30 seconds, then-
Step 20: STOP.
Step 21: Realize you’re being a.) STUPID and b.) A BITCH
Step 22: Contemplate why you feel the need to compare yourself to this woman. Why it is so hard to shake the feeling that he left you because you weren’t good enough. That she was better. Well, she was better- for him. Not a better person.
Come on! This isn’t a new realization. It’s no longer something you just tell yourself but don’t honestly believe. Now it’s something you know. So why the fuck are you comparing yourself to her?
Step 23: Make a new year’s resolution to stop comparing yourself to other women. Hell, to other people in general.
Step 24: Actually look at the two of them, your ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend. See them together right in front of you and- damn. It’s just so obvious. Always was, really. You and he never really made sense together. These two? They’re fucking perfect for each other.
Step 25: Girl, you need another drink. Get your ass back to that bar.
Step 26: Flirt with a cute boy who offers you his bottle of Jack Daniels.
Step 27: While talking, hear the DJ put on -OMG- the most perfect song he could possibly play!
Step 28: Interrupt cute Jack Daniels guy mid sentence with a shriek, “I HAVE TO GO DANCE TO THIS SONG!!! SORRY!”
Step 29: Rush to the dance floor and SHAKE IT because the song that is playing is Shake It Off. Taylor Swift is here for YOU!
Step 30: Literally shake it off! Shake-shake-shake it off! Shake it with the fervor of a thousand suns!
Step 31: Think, “This song is literally my life right now”.
Step 32: Scream-sing the bridge,
“My ex-man brought his new girlfriend
She’s like “Oh, my god!” but I’m just gonna shake.
And to the fella over there with the hella good hair
Won’t you come on over, baby? We can shake, shake, shake”
Step 33: Laugh. Laugh it up. Because really, this whole situation is hilarious. Taylor Swift just saved your new year.
Step 34: Let the song be your guide. There is actually a fella with “hella good hair” here! No joke. (You didn’t notice him before because you were being too stupid about your ex.) He’s just your type– tall, dark, handsome, and just a little goofy. Endearing as all get out and *ding ding ding!* a phenomenally fun dancer.
Step 35: Spend the first hours of 2015 completely destroying the dance floor in the arms of a phenomenally fun dancer. He picks you up with strong, steady arms and spins you around. You’ve always wanted a guy to do that and holy shit is it fun. You’re at the perfect level of intoxication. This DJ is seriously the best.
All your friends are here. Wow. Could there be a better way to start a new year?
Step 36: PFD (phenomenally fun dancer) bends down (yep, he’s that tall) to kiss you. Go with it. Make out a little. PDA with PFD. Hell yes.
Step 37: Leave him wanting more/when your roommates leave. On your way out, your ex sees you and shouts, “Happy New Year, Mary Lane!” Smile and shout back, “Happy New Year, Harry.”
Happy. Maybe the night didn’t start out that way, but that’s sure how it ended.
Step 38: Give PFD your phone number. Go on a date with him on Wednesday, the week after new years. (SPOILER: it was a let down. Read the full story: In Which I Drink to Make a Lousy Date Better )
Step 39: Blog about the whole experience. Some may say you shouldn’t blog about your ex-boyfriend but this story is too good not to tell!